


Wrong Decisions

by crownlessk_ing



Series: Wrong Decisions [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst without plot, Canon Compliant, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pre-Canon, Sexual Content, canonverse, is that even a thing, post-ACWNR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-09-29 15:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17205647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownlessk_ing/pseuds/crownlessk_ing
Summary: "What an awkward man, Levi thought.War heroes were nothing but wretched outcasts of peace. And a man who could come and go, both in and out of Hell with such stoicism, who could mercilessly command so many hopeful hearts to their death without an ounce of regret, who could give up on his humanity wholly in order to save his ungrateful peers, would also be the one most unsuited for a life away from the battlefield. The tragedy of a profoundly misunderstood prophet that nobody wanted.Levi’s chest was drowning in compassion, sympathy, or even tenderness? No, it was pity. Nothing but pity. Erwin was such a miserable soul, so pathetic that Levi decided he ought to give him the whole world."A collection of stolen moments, of unforgivably selfish devotion and gentleness.





	1. sacred grounds (844 - 845)

**Author's Note:**

> Beta reading: @Melody_Of_The_River on AO3 , go check her out ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first work for the wonderfully tragic ship that is eruri. It was supposed to be a series of stand-alone drabbles, and ended up becoming a fully fleshed out fic that can't ever seem to end. So far, I planned for 7 chapters, but who knows really. It will go from post-ACWNR to post-ch84 and beyond.
> 
> EDIT 25/05: I decided to mark this current work as completed - Wrong Decisions is supposed to be, as said above, a collection of eruri moments from post-ACWNR to post-ch84, but there will be a 5 years gap between ch3 and ch4, so I think it will make more sense to post the canon era chapters as a new work. I created a Wrong Decisions series to file everything under there. I do not know when I will write the rest of this series, so instead of leaving this fic hanging for no real reason, I thought it better to bring this one to a close and start a new one for the canon-era stuff. Hope you'll understand, and thank you for all your support of this so far!  
> tumblr : @tidal-sehnsucht

 

    All Levi sought nowadays, was to hide. From the loneliness of overcrowded Headquarters, the gut-twisting stench of death that lurked in every corner, day and night, that he could never be rid of no matter how hard he tried, to the lingering questioning of which one of his comrades would become the next feast of a Titan - he wanted to hide from it all. He'd joined the Survey Corps a few months ago only – already, and even though he couldn't say the journey had been unpleasant overall, there was an everlasting ill omen looming over the Headquarters, one he had yet to get used to. Some days, he wondered if he'd ever get used to it. Most days, the constant jabber of the barracks only left him itching.

    And so, on days like these, he would hide. After weeks of searchings for the place that would swallow his agitation whole, he had finally discovered the restfulness of the stables, where the only worry of its inhabitants was about how much hay they could munch on. For Levi, it felt like he'd uncovered a sacred ground in this old wooden structure, one good enough at keeping his body and mind busy, for there was always hay and dirt laying around the place – and to be fair, whoever had been assigned to keeping the place clean was doing a piss-poor job at it. There, it felt like time stopped, worries faded, and death waited outside the heavy gates. Despite the stale air of dusty hay and leather grease, the place was exactly how Levi wanted it to be. A lullaby of undisturbed trance.

    Or so he had tried to convince himself. Too often for his liking, other soldiers would come and go, sometimes whole Squads, other times lone lost souls like himself. All of them, reminders that he lived caged not only from the world, but also from the deliverance of his heart.

    He seriously started reconsidering the sanctity of the stables after he'd found himself having to swing a knife around, blood pumping hard with survival instinct. The first time, it had been at a stray cat, clumsily jumping in from the window. Levi had stared at the poor thing intensely for a while, knife taken from his right boot ready for duty, until he grasped the ridiculousness of the situation. He'd tried to shoo the miserable ball of fur away, but that only made it gracefully trot to him until it was smooching his legs, bumping against them with tenacity and loud purrs. Levi had only clicked his tongue and resumed his work, and even though the cat kept snaking between his legs, he didn't find it in his heart to oust it away.

    The second time had been because of yet another stray cat. Or rather, a lion. Erwin Smith. Levi had been so into his endeavour, ears full of the soothing sounds of the wind travelling the alleyways, the hay being chewed on leisurely, and his broom against the dry ground, that he had missed Erwin's entrance. All he knew was that at one point, there had been a firm hand gripping at the back of his shoulder. Levi had rushed for the knife in the inner pocket of his jacket, and almost painted a twin on the other side of Erwin's neck.

    Erwin, impassive at the threat of yet another sharp blade at his throat, had only apologized for startling him. Levi reckoned that either Erwin _actually_ had a death wish, or that he'd already embraced death far too many times to fear it still. Either way, Erwin only brushed it off with the warmth of his clement fingers around Levi's wrist, guiding his armed hand down. Erwin had left the stables only moments later, his mare behind him, scattering hay and dirt on the formerly spotless ground. As Levi had already begun swiping the trail, the distant voice of Erwin rang in his ears.

“You know Levi, there is no need for you to be carrying a knife any longer. You're safe here.”

    Levi had squinted his eyes, but maybe it was only because of the blinding sunlight shining behind Erwin's silhouette. His only response had been a sharp “tsk” and the disdain of turning away; his mind already busy telling him how the stables no longer were the sacred grounds he'd hoped them to be.

   

 

\- - -

 

    Levi was sat on the rooftop of the Survey Corps' headquarters, an open field of golden bathed green before his eyes. The sun was setting, and tonight, the sky wore pink and orange. Every day, the painting would change, and every day, Levi would muse over it. There had been so many sunsets he'd missed in his life, and no matter how much he ought to catch up, there were always new shapes to read in the clouds, new colours to baptise, new crests of warmth from the sun rays on his skin. Levi was not one to moon over things that held no purpose, but he had to admit that the infinity of the skies never failed to take his breath away.

    There laid the issue of finding shelter in a place where he could not get his body busy: his mind took over, and opened him up too much for his own will. There was, however, a faint whisper of the wind that kept reminding him that the sky was a gift he couldn't deny. Erwin's gift.

    Levi frowned.

    His mind caught the glimpse of Erwin's office, and the soaring windows through which the sun rays always filtered gold. Or it could be that it was the man himself who radiated such garish lights.

    Levi sighed. So much sun wasn't doing him any good at all.

 

\- - -

 

    The first time Levi let his longing for a new place to settle lead his feet to Erwin's office, the dark anguish of the night was reigning over the headquarters. Rest, however, was not. As it never did on such nights, when so many soldiers only made it back inside the Walls as ghosts. Levi's bunkmates laid restless, and all he could focus on was the rustling of agitated bodies against gruff sheets, the quiet sobs and the loud screams in and around his head, and the emptiness of beds that used to be so full.

    Ergo, Levi had been wandering aimlessly throughout the whole building, seeking alleviation, only to be greeted by more haunted souls. He'd eagerly leave every room, corridor, shadow where he would meet them, but they were omnipresent and meandering, just as himself. He tried the rooftops, but the drenching tears of the mourning sky forced him to cut his visit short. Instead, he showered. Twice. But blood and loss were still clogging his pores, and his skin was raw from all the scrubbing. After a while, he made his way to the only area he'd not tried yet: the Officers Quarters. His steps spontaneously brought him right in front of Erwin's office, where he noticed an orange light glowing underneath the doors. Somewhere at the back of his inner discord, Levi deemed Erwin to be the only soul whose loudness he could bear tonight.

    He dropped his heavy heart before the door, hesitant. Once he eventually reached for the knob, throat tight and hand shivering, loud footsteps at the end of the corridor stopped him dead in his track. He took a few steps back and turned to the source of the noise. He managed to decipher the silhouette walking towards him, lanky and ghastly.

“Oh, hey Levi! I wasn't expecting to find you here.”  
“Four-eyes,” he greeted bleakly, before realising that Hange wasn't actually wearing glasses.

    The oppressive darkness of the night made the void of her eyes stand out against the deep circles beneath them. Levi's jaw clenched.

“Can't sleep either, eh?” she asked, rhetorical. “Well, you'll get used to it.”

    It was a lie, and they both knew it. Levi only stood there, unwilling to feed this sterile conversation. Moreover, lack of sleep had never been an issue in itself, for insomnia was an old friend of his. Where the issue laid, however, was in the nightmares, the flashes of violence and blood striking his eyelids, and above all, the loud torment of his comrades.

“I know!” Hange started excitedly as she fumbled through the pockets of her trousers. She took out an umber tainted vial and handed it out to Levi. He frowned, leery. “Take two of these, you'll be asleep in no time. Nice and blank.”

    Levi's eyes rested on the bottle offered to him, frowning still. He had no desire to accept the gift, especially coming from someone as fishy as Hange. His eyes swiftly made a round trip to Erwin's office doors, then back to the bottle. He sighed, and seized it from her.

“Thanks,” he muttered between his teeth, turning around and shoving the vial of sleeping pills in the front pocket of his jacket.

    He took three.

 

\- - -

 

    The second time Levi sought to console his loneliness in Erwin's office, he'd just left the crowded mess hall, the loud jabber of which was still ringing in his ears. New recruits, that were to spend their first night as Survey Corps soldiers. He tried to convince himself that he was only trying to escape from the noise, when in reality, he was fleeing the inevitability of having to learn new faces, new names, new voices, that were bound to end up forgotten between Titans’ teeth.

    They had been all over Levi, despite how uninviting he'd been acting all evening. The rumours had already long travelled throughout the Walls, and everybody wanted a piece of Humanity's Strongest – a title he despised greatly, in hopes that Levi was the hero that would inspire them and warrant their career choice. What they didn't know yet, was that Levi could give them none of what they wished for.

    He was walking through the long corridor of the Officer's Quarters, his feet knowing how many steps before they would reach Erwin's office. He barely stopped at the door, hand already on the knob and mouth full of complaints about the new brats.

    A loud laugh erupted from behind the door. Not Erwin's. Levi froze in place, body heavier than it was only seconds ago. Someone was speaking, and Erwin's voice spoke back. _Mike_.

    Levi felt his whole body drop, staring at his hand slipping away from the doorknob, defeated. He turned away hastily, and left the building. He had been a fool for believing that Erwin would be as lonely as he was. A grim reminder, of how petty Humanity's Strongest actually was, for he too, had lost himself in someone else's hope.

 

\- - -

 

    The only time Levi wasn't hiding, absurdly enough, was when everything he usually avoided would lay openly before him: fiery ghosts, the clinging stench of death, and the lamentations of his comrades. The bleak sacrament of sending fallen heroes into the hearts of the living. It was always the same rite: a row of fire beds, sometimes endless, others very scarce, burning away to a dance of restless flames. The final resting place of what was still human only hours prior, bearing the putrid fragrance of burnt flesh, stolen hopes, and withered roses.

    Levi would stand there, immobile, eyes following the pathetic fireworks, surrounded both by living corpses and dead people. It was a desolating scenery, barely withheld by a strong nausea. Levi wouldn't flinch. He never did. There was nothing he could do against the cruel reality of this world but watch it burn fiercely.

    Time after time, he would notice some similarities in this appalling ritual. Some soldiers were absent, because they did not have anyone dear laying in the array of corpses, and some others, for the very opposite reason. He also noticed that some faces would always be standing at his side. Some he barely knew, others he did too well. Mike and Hange, for one, never missed the spectacle either. Hange would always take her glasses away, probably aching at the reflection of the flames dancing too vividly against the lenses. She had lied that one night: you never get used to it – not that Levi ever believed her to begin with. He knew that, once this would be over, she would be spending the night drinking her bitterness away, surrounding herself with whoever would be willing to join. Most of the time, that was more people than Levi would have imagined in the first place. Then again, everyone had their own ways of coping.

    Levi also noticed the absentees. The first one being Keith Shadis. Levi couldn't remember ever seeing him attending, probably because the deplorable man believed that the perfume of misery and failure he wore so gloriously would outshine the one of burnt flesh. Levi, however, believed Shadis only hid away because of his own cowardice, so he wouldn't have to face the consequences of his incompetence.

    The second one missing would be Erwin. He was one of those who attended only if a close comrade of his laid in the fire beds. A deed Levi disregarded strongly. He would never understand how someone like Erwin seemed to believe some lives were worth more than others. Levi hoped it was only his own way of coping too, rather than a selective indifference.

    But for now, Levi could only admire this ballet of flames and disintegrating skeletons, and let it stain his heart with blood that wasn't his. Not his sacred grounds, but the ones of others, whether they indulged in it or not.

 

\- - -

 

“Bottoms up!” Hange's loud and garish voice pierced straight through Levi's right ear-drum.

    He winced, throwing his head to the side, almost spilling the drink he'd been holding in his hand – the drink that someone had placed in his hand. A second of silence, loud gulps and the rattle of glass against sticky wood.

“Come on Levi, you're no fun, we all did it!” Hange's voice, even more strident than seconds ago.  
“Are you afraid of getting drunk and finally doing something human for once?” a Team Leader, at the other side of the rounded table.  
“I want to see it! Come on!” So many nameless voices.

    Levi let out a sharp “tsk” before finally complying and downing his drink at once. The syrupy liquor burnt his throat, bittersweet. He dropped his glass down with its peers, and sat back in his chair, arms crossed, a daring look on his face. Hange cheered, proving that her volume knew no limits.

“Four-eyes, if you don't shut that foul mouth of yours, I swear that tomorrow you'll wake up to the coldest shower of your life.”

    She only giggled, cheeks red, and swung an arm around Levi's shoulders, pulling him against her. Levi scrunched up his nose. Hange usually was a tough nut, but when drunk, there was no hope left for that filthy lab rat. He pushed her away, mumbling something about her disgusting lack of hygiene, and scooted to his left. Thankfully, it seemed that something else already caught her attention, as well as the one of the other Officers sat around the table. Levi let out a sigh of relief, and allowed his gaze to wander.

    Levi really, _really_ couldn't explain how he had ended up in this situation. It was a banking holiday – some kind of religious crap, meaning that the Headquarters would remain mostly calm and empty throughout the day. Officers had been away somewhere in Wall Sina, probably eating pigs like pigs and bowing so close to the ground they broke their spine as well as their dignity in half. Not that Levi cared; the only thing it advised him was that he ought to enjoy this rare quiet.

    Upon their return, Hange – it was _always_ Hange, had barged in the mess hall where Levi sat, and threw every ounce of peace he'd been savouring out of the window. “Come on, we're all gonna be out drinking and being best buddies tonight, you have to come with us! Oh wait, it's Officers only, right Mike? Who cares? You're Humanity's Strongest after all, you can be our special guest!”. Somehow, despite the horrendous nickname, his hatred for her loudness, and his aversion of socialising, Levi accepted. Willingly. Without any argument. He... still wasn't sure why.

    So there he was, hours later, sitting in the middle of a dim lit tavern that smelled like booze and sweat and where every surface was sticky with both, surrounded by every Officer of the Survey Corps – except for Shadis, not that anyone minded. All drunk and loud and too friendly. Most of them where sharing his table, but some had scattered around the room. His eyes were lazily scanning the area, and stopped at the bar, where he spotted the back of two blond heads. Mike and Erwin. They had been sitting together for a while now. Actually, Erwin had been sitting away for the whole evening.

    Levi set his hollow eyes on them, as there wasn't much else he'd rather be watching. Hange was still yelling at his right, but she was nothing but muffled background noise in his brain. After a while, he saw Mike stand up, gulping the rest of his drink, and walking towards the Officers' table. Erwin didn't follow him. Neither did Levi's eyes.

    He heard some commotion at Mike's arrival, but his attention remained onto the lone withered buttercup, who was sitting with such an arch at his spine that he looked like an old widow; eyes small and nose ruby rose, stirring a half empty glass of dark liquor in his hand, almost neurotic. For someone who emanated towering confidence and resolve when it came to his work, in such a settlement, Erwin looked irredeemably lost.

    Levi finally sat back, detaching his eyes from the wilted stature of Erwin. Somehow, another full glass had been placed in his hand. He sipped at it casually, cottoning to the strong and sharp sourness of citrus, and the rich licorice on a sweet velvety ruddy background. Little by little, he allowed his brain to focus on the drunken blabbering at his ears.

“Erwin is such a weirdo. He's been hiding away all night, as usual. Wasn't he the one who actually encouraged us to go out tonight?” Hange sputtered out, a hand supporting her jaw.  
“He's like that, isn't he? I don't remember ever seeing him join us, to be honest,” yet another nameless voice responded.  
“He did once! Mike's birthday last year. And honestly? He'd been so awkward all night that he gave me the creeps,” a female Officer this time, too drunk to form proper syllables; Levi remembered her name to be Adeline.  
“You're lucky you're both drunk Adelaide,” _Close enough_. “Otherwise Mike would be starting a freaking lecture about how Erwin is overly misunderstood and actually the nicest freaking guy ever and all.” Hange bumped her shoulder into Mike's.  
“Yeah, well. That's true, he is misunderstood. But...”  
“My bad, there we go again!” Hange rose her half empty glass to her smirking face.  
“No, wait, hear me out! I'm drunk enough to say that, I don't think anyone could actually ever understand him. As much as I care for him, and despite how long I've known him for, I still just... can't read him at all. So yeah, he _is_ a weirdo. But maybe that's what I like about him.”  
“Hmm, the big mysterious man...” Hange seemed to ponder, visibly struggling to keep her eyes open for more than a second, so full of alcohol they were almost spilling. “Which reminds me, did you know that dogs don't actually have eyebrows? It’s only markings and a ridge of the skull above their eyes. But all things considered, since they have hair all over their face, then can't we still say that they do, in fact, have eyebrows?”

    The frown Levi didn't realise he'd been wearing since the beginning of the conversation  disappeared at last. Hange's words slowly dissipated until they were nothing but white noise, and he raised his eyes back to Erwin. The man was exactly how Levi had left him minutes ago: lost and lonely. _Yeah, what a weirdo_ , Levi admitted with a softening heart.

 

\- - -

 

    It wasn't until the eve of the next expedition that Levi found himself heading towards Erwin's quarters once more. He had spent the last hours shuffling in his bed, mind twitching back and forth to the bottle of sleeping pills hidden underneath his pillow. Although they had been faithful at chasing noise and images away, he felt uneasy about using such cheap tactics to mute his bunkmates' demons, as well as his owns. Hence, after deciding against them, he got up and left the barracks.

    He was filled with relief at the sight of the faint lights beneath Erwin's office doors. He halted, adjusting the grip on his bucket of cleaning supplies, and barged into the room. Erwin was sat at his desk, face barely peeking behind a handful of papers, startled look on his eyes. He lowered his hands.

“Levi.” He greeted, deadpan. Then, his eyes fell onto Levi's full hands. “I do not mean to come across as rude, but don't you think this may not to be the best time for this?”  
“I don't know how you can even call this an office when clearly a garbage dump would have nothing to envy of it.” Levi ignored the question and dropped his supplies down the floor, already covering his face with the handkerchief that had been sitting loose around his neck.

    Erwin sent him a puzzled gaze, and looked at his pocket-watch laying somewhere on his crowded desk. The confusion of his face only grew deeper.

“Levi, it's the middle of the night. You should be sleeping.”  
“So should you. And yet, here we are.”  
“I still have work to do.”  
“So do I.”

    He didn't wait for any more words from Erwin to begin clearing away the half-empty cups of moldy tea scattered at every corner of the room.

“Levi,” Erwin's voice wavered between exasperated and grateful.  
“What now? Can't you see I'm busy?”

    Erwin sat back in his chair, fingers at the bridge of his nose.

“What exactly are you doing?”  
“I know how foreign the concept of cleaning is to you, but still, I thought that was obvious.” Levi didn't stop his frantic pacing through the room, hands everywhere at once and eyes forward.  
“This is not what I meant. It's almost two in the morning. We're leaving early tomorrow. Why are you doing this now?”  
“I don't even know how you can focus on anything in such a mess.” He stated coldly as he piled the last cup on a tray, plainly ignoring Erwin again.

    Erwin let out a heavy sigh, full of concern and reprobation, eyes piercing through Levi. He stopped his fumbling and responded to Erwin's gaze with insolence.

“What? Are you gonna order me to leave then?”

    Erwin looked like he was about to do just that, but Levi knew he hadn't missed the unwanted plea of despair in his words. Erwin broke eye contact and, without another word, picked up the map laid in front of him. Levi watched a little longer, and finally allowed himself a sigh of relief. He resumed his task.

    As dust and clutter began clearing away, Levi couldn't help the admission that his visit tonight was nothing but personal, if not selfish. It was far from the first time that he'd burst in Erwin's office to clean, or discuss plans and tactics, or complain about anything really. It was, however, the first time he'd done it with the sole purpose of helping himself. Only driven by a dictating instinct, and maybe, by the fact that Erwin's heart was stuttering an erratic strom so strident that it numbed all else; ghosts' whistles, soldiers' outcries, and Levi's emptiness.

    After scouting the Headquarters' every nook and cranny for months, Levi at last realised that he'd been seeking the wrong thing all along. It wasn't a sacred haven that he needed, but rather, the thunder of a soul so mighty only it could console his heartache.

    Upon deciding that the office was decent enough, he untied both the handkerchiefs on his head, swiftly wiped his forehead, and dropped them in the bucket with the rest of his supplies. Then he simply... stood there. Stood out. Erwin was working still, absolutely undisturbed by Levi's racket. It was almost as if Levi was but another ghost haunting the overcrowded room.

    For lack of a better idea, Levi fell down into a chair, arms and legs crossed tight, making him appear smaller than he already was. He looked around the room relentlessly, checking each corner, each shadow, each way in and each way out, in a old instinctive habit. He stopped suddenly, eyes settling on Erwin, as he realised that he hadn't felt so sheltered in a very long time.

    He allowed his eyes to wander on the stature of the man before him, troubled about spying so openly. The silence and the velvety veil of the night were painting a new portrait of Erwin, one he couldn't quite read. It struck him that it was because he'd never seen Erwin so... alone. But more than this, Levi felt overly distraught at the discovery that even at the most unguarded, Erwin still looked cold, austere and empty. Inhuman.

    He wondered if Erwin ever was human to begin with, or if it was that, with the burden of his duty, it must have become necessary for him to reject all that once made him one. Levi failed to come up with an answer.

    If so far, he hadn't really grasped the reason why so many people avoided extended contact with Erwin, now he had. There were not many people who wanted to be involved with someone so genuinely hollow. Come to think of it, Levi reckoned, the only other person who ever dared to approach him familiarly was Mike – and Hange, but Hange was... a species of her own. And even Mike himself admitted to the occult that was Erwin, that would make anyone's blood run cold.

    _What an awkward man_ , Levi thought.

    War heroes were nothing but wretched outcasts of peace. And a man who could come and go, both in and out of Hell with such stoicism, who could mercilessly command so many hopeful hearts to their death without an ounce of regret, who could give up on his humanity wholly in order to save his ungrateful peers, would also be the one most unsuited for a life away from the battlefield. The tragedy of a profoundly misunderstood prophet that nobody wanted.

    Levi closed his eyes and let the quiet of the room fill his mind. There was so much thunder raging inside Erwin still, but he found solace in it. If anyone could ever decipher Erwin’s persona, then Levi wanted to be the first. Because Erwin was looking ahead to something only he could see, and never faltered, even if he stood lonely in his pursuits. Because Erwin was the only one stubborn and resolute enough to keep looking. Because when Levi tried to look too, he would only find the reflection of his own loneliness in the firmament of Erwin’s eyes.

When he opened his eyes again, Levi softened at the sight of Erwin’s focused face, creases and furrows all over, and an overall darkness that wasn't only coming from the shadows of the restless candlelight. Levi’s chest was drowning in compassion, sympathy, or even tenderness? No, it was pity. Nothing but pity. Erwin was such a miserable soul, so pathetic that Levi decided he ought to give him the whole world; even if he couldn’t see it for himself.

    His lids suddenly felt very heavy. Levi couldn't remember becoming so exhausted. He contemplated, only for a moment, letting himself doze off there. It wouldn't be so bad, he thought, to allow himself to be vulnerable before such a disastrous sentinel.

    He shook his head dismissively, stood up, and he promptly left the office, taking his supplies and the dirty teacups with him. He didn't turn back to see the disappointment shrouding Erwin's face.

    When Levi stepped back in, Erwin was where he'd left him, though instead of working, he was fidgeting with what looked like a white piece of clothing. He stopped as soon as Levi crossed the door, eyes lost in space.

“You left one of your handkerchiefs behind, if that's what you were looking for,” Erwin stated blankly, sliding the white piece of fabric to Levi's side of the desk.  
“I... hadn’t noticed, no.” Levi frowned, confused.

    He walked to the desk and managed to find enough stable ground to put down the tray he'd been carrying. Erwin finally looked at him, eyes wide.

“You... brought tea?”  
“Huh?”

    Erwin shook his head nebulously. Then, he delicately took the tea pot and filled the two cups. He passed one to Levi, who left it untouched. Erwin's tone and the look of genuine astonishment on his face when he realised that Levi had only left to bring back something as simple as tea, had left Levi feeling uneasy; as if Erwin never expected him – anyone, to treat him with such concern and attentiveness.

“Thank you Levi.” Erwin breathed out candidly, cup at the edge of his mouth.  
“Whatever.” The word almost stayed stuck to his throat.  
“Although, you really ought to get going now. You shouldn't be up so late.”  
“If my presence is unwelcome here, just say it.”  
“That's not it,.” Erwin paused, pensive, “Quite the contrary, actually. But... Why are you still here? It's not like I have been doing anything for you all night.”  
“I'm just here because this is the only quiet place in this whole fucking building, so really, stop worrying about me.”  
“I see. Then feel free to stay, if you don't mind the quiet.”

    Levi hastily grabbed his cup, spilling a few drops of burning tea on his legs, and buried his head in the scent of hazelnut and lavender black tea. Erwin was already back at his work, and Levi watched him until his tea got almost too cold to be enjoyable.

    All things considered, Levi minded the quiet a lot.

“Stop it, Erwin,” he muttered after gulping the last drop of his lukewarm tea.

    Erwin rose his head, yet another confused look on his face.

“This,” Levi vaguely pointed at the mess of scattered papers between them. “I'm sure every single damn word is carved on your retina by now, so why do you even bother? Really, I should be the one insisting that you go to bed already.”  
“I just–”  
“There is nothing more you can do right now. Tomorrow's expedition will not rely on you or your strategies, and you know that. The extent of what you can do is limited, so no matter your intentions, it's no better than pissing in the wind.”

    Erwin's eyes opened wide in disbelief that such words just left Levi's mouth. He let the papers he had been holding fall to the desk, and gave Levi the slightest nod, encouraging him to explain his thoughts further.

“What I’m saying is, until you’re Commander, there’s nothing more you can do to save everyone, to save Humanity from this Hell, but to follow Shadis’ stupid decisions, and hope for the best. You don’t get to make the choices, so there’s no need for you to wear yourself out with a burden you cannot control.”

    Erwin blinked twice; eyes wide, then stern.

“Until I'm Commander, hm?”  
“That's what you want, right?”  
“This is not about what I do or do not want, Levi. It is about finishing what I started, about fulfilling my duty, no matter the cost. This is about what I am able to do.”  
“Which is?”  
“Anything. Anything at all.” Erwin replied almost too quickly.  
“Then wait and survive. You're the only one in these goddamn Walls who has the means to accomplish this fucking task. But for that to happen, you need to stop focusing on the possible outcomes of someone else’s commandment, and start focusing on your own survival instead.”

    Erwin leaned to the back of his chair, hand grazing at his temple. He shook his head.

“I don't know about that. It is regrettably naïve of you to believe that I can do this on my own.”

    The sincerity of Erwin's tone forced Levi to take a moment to recollect his train of thoughts.

“Then spare the ones that will help you. You can only protect those under your command, so in order to protect everyone, you need to be the one sitting at the top of that fucking throne of rotting corpses.”  
“You're right,” Erwin closed his eyes slowly, deep in contemplation. He opened them again, bluer than before. “What about you Levi? What is it that you want?”

    Levi tilted his head, unsure why such a question slithered into the conversation. His eyes left Erwin's, only for a moment. The only thing he wanted was to witness how Erwin's inhumanity would change the fate of Humanity, to see him become the crownless king of this doomed kingdom, and to be the knight standing at his side, always, blades and wings heavy with blood.

    Levi was tired.

“There isn't much that I want. But if you believe I can be useful to your plans then-”  
“Have you ever doubted it? Levi, without you, there can be no prospect of victory.”  
“Then give the orders. I'll fulfill them. All of them.”

    So tired he could barely hold himself together.

“Is this what you really want?”

    _Yes._

“This isn't about what I want, but what I can do.” He mirrored Erwin's earlier statement. Levi paused, mortified that there was no stopping his overflow. “I have the ability to give you the world you envision, so go ahead, use me. I'll follow.”

    Bare, over-sensitive. Exhausted.

“It still doesn't tell me what you want, Levi.”  
“Why does it even matter?” Levi sighed heavily, wishing that Erwin would let it go. “But if you really have to insist, then  I guess the least I can wish for is that you learn to keep your shit in order.”  
“Ha,” Erwin smiled too brightly for Levi's weary eyes. “I suppose that would be a good start.”

    There was another thought entirely that hanged at the edge of Erwin's lips. He seemed to consider it for a bit. The blue eyes blinked slowly, and Levi hoped that Erwin would leave it at that.

    He didn't.

“Although, if I do, then does that mean you'll stop bursting into my office without invitation, or, actually, authorisation?”

    Now, there was nothing but heart wrenching softness flooding Levi all over.

“Do you only see me as your fucking maid? But don't worry old man, I'll spare you the trouble. I don't trust you enough with what you call cleaning. I'm only asking for a bit of consideration, for your own sake.”

    Too soft.

“And also... Do I need a fucking invitation– _oh, sorry_ , authorisation to come here?” Now Levi was the foolish one for feeding the beast.  
“No, you don't. You absolutely don't.”

    The silence that followed was barely enough to mute the pulse of their lonely hearts. Their gaze locked onto one another, speaking for the words their mouths couldn't say. Levi didn't miss the twitch at one of Erwin's hand, barely noticeable but intentional. Levi almost hoped that Erwin would have gone through with his aborted attempt at reaching out. He shook his head slightly. What a terrible wish. He could blame Erwin all he wanted for being so pitiful, but in reality, he was no better.

“I believe we've both gone far over the line for tonight. As you said, what truly matters now is our survival, so we need to make sure we do everything to ensure that, and it starts with a good night’s sleep. That's the least we can do.”

    Levi nodded, slowly, deeply. Thankful at Erwin for cutting his wandering short. He stood up, fighting against his own reluctance, and left the room.

 

\- - -

 

    Levi almost felt ashamed that the next time he visited Erwin was no later than the following evening. Almost.

    The expedition had been but another shit-show, not that Levi expected anything else from Shadis' leadership . Upon their return inside the Walls, Levi had showered for far too long, scrubbing at his skin so ruthlessly that his whole body was prickling. As always, he attended the horrifying incineration of what little bodies they had managed to bring back. He then showered a second time, unable to bear the stench of burnt corpses on himself, and finished scraping the already damaged skin. Before he could think of anything else to do, he had already made his way to Erwin's office, letting himself in without bothering to knock.

    It was only once he entered the room that he remembered the curiosity he'd had regarding Erwin's own post-expedition rituals, whether his reasons could make up for his notable absence at the funerals. Not that it was any of Levi’s business to begin with, but he wondered still.

“Oh, Levi, it's you.”

    Erwin was sat at his desk, as usual. In front of him laid dozens of papers, as usual. He looked stern and exhausted, as usual.

“Is there anything you need?”  
“No.”

    Erwin nodded, the shadow of a smile crossing his face like a winter breeze. It left as soon as he lowered his head. Levi sat down on the chair across the desk and couldn't help the prying glance at the content of Erwin's work. All the papers scattered on the desk looked the same. Levi didn't need to know how to read to recognize them: death notices. His body dropped. He had been a fool to think that Erwin would have been doing anything else.

    Levi watched, silent but intense, as Erwin filled each paper with a profound reverence, handling each condolence letter like it could crumble at any moment. It was quite the captivating scenery, and Levi couldn't say how much time had passed when Erwin finally put the last one aside, and tapped the files pile on his desk.

    Erwin sat at the back of his chair, eyes half closed and unfocused. Syllables left his mouth, and Levi couldn't register them as any word he knew. It sounded almost like a religious chanting. Until at one point, Levi understood them: first names, surnames, ranks and Squad Division, of today's fallen wings. Every twenty-two of them, without a hint of hesitation. Levi listened through the whole act, like a prayer, eyes wide and astounded. He really, _really_ hadn't expected this.

“These are all the heroes who fell for the welfare of Humanity today.” Erwin concluded, finally sitting back up.

    When his blue eyes regained focus, Erwin almost looked startled to see Levi still sitting in front of him; a Levi who had yet to recollect himself. Because, _fuck_ , Erwin knew _every single_ name by heart.

“This is all the work I'll be doing for now.”

    Levi's eyelids fluttered.

“Wait, why are you the one doing this?”  
“I suppose you can say it is one of the many perks that come with being a Squad Leader.”

    Levi knew that Erwin purposefully avoided the real intent of his question, hiding behind a shield of sarcasm.

“Then shouldn't you be filling the ones from your Squad only?”  
“Then that would be the perk of being the highest ranked Squad Leader.”  
“At what point did Shadis think that was a good idea to put so much more workload on you? You already do fucking _everything_ in this place.”  
“I know how much you rejoice in blaming Keith for everything, however, this is one burden I willingly took off my colleagues' hands.”

    Levi breathed in slowly. How fucking unfair of him to have entertained the idea that Erwin didn't care; he was the one who cared the most.

“Have you had dinner yet?”

    Levi shuddered.

“What kind of question is that?”  
“Have you?”  
“No, of course not.”

    Erwin closed his eyes and brought a hand to his chin.

“That won't do.” His voice didn't leave room for contesting. Not that it'd stop Levi from trying.  
“How can you even think of eating right now? Are you out of your goddamn mind?”  
“No, I am not. Your body has been through a lot today, you must give it the strength it needs to recover properly.”  
“I don't think that me skipping a meal will change anything.” Levi wasn't sure how much longer Erwin would allow him to argue.  
“Levi, remember what this is about.” The echo of their last conversation, still bruising at Levi’s brain. “You're eating dinner with me, and that's an order.”

    Levi couldn't remember ever becoming so obedient.

“Fine.”

    Erwin then left the room and came back with two sparsely filled plates: nothing more than a couple of fruits, bread and butter. Levi felt thankful that Erwin, despite his insistence, knew how little their stomach could handle on such nights. He watched his plate, nauseous. He expected to see Erwin eat first before he would dare to try. Instead, Levi found him fumbling through a drawer. When Erwin sat back up, his hands were carrying a bottle of dark umber liquor and two crystal glasses. He filled them both generously, without asking Levi if he wanted any. He actually didn't, but failed to say anything against it. He took the glass offered to him.

“To our fallen comrades.”  
“Yeah...”

    Levi downed his drink in one gulp.

 

\- - -

 

    These two nights were all it took for Levi to conclude that he'd unwillingly started something sacred; a new ritual, of some sorts. From there, he would find himself barging into Erwin's office every so often, usually at night, sometimes cleaning, sometimes chatting, but most times only quietly filling his own emptiness with Erwin's presence. Sometimes, he would fall asleep there too.

    The first time he did, he woke up to a soothing fragrance of lavender soap and warm sweat. Erwin's cape had been wrapped neatly around him. Levi barely opened his eyes and sat more comfortably in his chair, imprinting the scent into his foggy brain. He dared a glance at the half-open door of Erwin's bedroom, where he could hear steady light snores filling the darkness. Everything was beyond peaceful and Levi's instincts kept screaming that he ought to run. So he did.

    The fourth time, however, he woke up to the sounds of heavy breathing coming from much closer than usual, and the unexpected sight of golden strands of hay pooling on piles of half-filled papers. The gold was tainted warm by the frail light of a dying candle. Levi mused, eyes sleepy, over the silhouette of Erwin collapsed over his desk, slowly moving up and down to his steady breathing. The scent of Erwin was, once again, all over him, like a warm benediction. This time, Levi couldn't be bothered to feel like running away. He only watched blankly, as everything turned to a dark blur, and fell back to sleep.

    Levi couldn't remember at what point he started to notice a pattern in his nightly visits. He would, without fail, find himself in Erwin's office every night preceding an expedition. Like secret farewell parties he made sure to attend, just in case those memories were to be the last.

    It wasn't a surprise then, that Levi also went every night after. Because Erwin was still alive, and that in itself, was a blessing Levi wanted to cherish, no matter how selfish of him. Also, because he felt like on those nights, Erwin needed company more than ever; he already had that of all the ghosts whose names he was writing down, but Levi wanted to offer him the warmth of a living, beating heart instead.

    He wouldn't dare to admit how much he valued being this one presence in Erwin's solitude. They were both so hollow, and despite how much it weighed on their hearts, didn't know how to change it. Didn't know if they wanted to; for getting too close would only end in more sorrow, doubts and regrets. It would be wise not to. This contradiction, this afflicting loneliness was what had brought them together.

 

\- - -

 

“That's the last one from your Squad: Albrecht Meinhart,” Levi dropped a wooden box next to its peers.

    He knew every name now.

“Thank you. I really appreciate your help with this.”

    Erwin wrote something quick on the papers he had been holding, and laid his folder at the top of the stack of boxes. Belongings, from their fallen comrades, that were ready to be shipped back home. Whole lives fitting in so little space.

“Now that we have gathered everything, we can let the Administrative Officers handle the rest. I'll go and inform them that we're done here.”

    Erwin turned away, Levi trailing behind. Somehow, “I” had become “we”.

“Levi, your knee.”  
“It's fine, I can walk, I've told you that a million times already.”  
“No, it's... It's bleeding.”

    Levi opened his mouth to complain, until Erwin's words registered in his brain, and stopped at the sight of red spreading on his white trousers. He frowned for a moment, already cursing about how annoying it would be to get rid of the stains, but picked up the pace nonetheless.

“It can wait. It's just a scratch.”  
“Levi-”  
“Erwin.”  
“That's quite the unexpected answer coming from you. I can deliver the news by myself, you know.”

    Levi considered Erwin's words for a moment, admitting to their veracity.

“Alright, I'll take care of this.”  
“Wait for me in my office, I'll help you.”  
“Erwin, I can tend to my wounds on my own, thank you. You still have work to do anyway.”  
“We're way ahead of schedule, thanks to your help. Really, let me do it.”

    There was a benevolent plea in Erwin's voice that Levi couldn't deny. He crossed his arms, brows furrowed still.

“Whatever,” he shrugged, already turning around. “You better get those filthy hands of yours clean, or you're not getting them anywhere near me.”  
“Of course.” Erwin replied with a fond smile.

    Levi reached Erwin's office, where the sun shone bright, making his eyes squint at the intensity of the light filtering through the large windows. He dropped down to _his_ chair, bathing in a warm streak of white gold, eyes setting of the red blotch growing at his knee. It was barely any troublesome wound, but the constant stretch of his articulations kept reopening it.

    Levi leaned down, aiming to take off his boots right as Erwin's stepped into the room.

“Levi, I said I'll take care of it.”

    He stopped mid-movement, one eyebrow arched. Erwin sounded so desperate it was vicious. Levi clicked his tongue, sitting back, well aware that if he tried to argue, Erwin's request would become an order.

    Erwin smiled gratefully, and kneeled down the floor, facing Levi. With surprisingly light hands, he ran his fingers from Levi's ankle up to his thigh, and burrowed underneath. He lifted Levi's leg like it weighted no more than a feather, and placed his other hand at his heel. With a sharp pull, he allowed the boot to slide down Levi's calf, in a fascinating delicacy. Levi watched, arms crossed still, eyebrows tied together tightly, and lungs empty.

    It wasn’t the first time that Erwin had touched him, but it _was_ the first time he touched him  with such open intentions. Usually they were no more than stolen touches, that Levi first believed to be accidental. He would tear away from them dismissively, until he realised that they kept happening, persistent, stubborn. Eventually, he stopped avoiding them. He wouldn’t, however, initiate them himself, but if that was another gamble Erwin wanted to risk, then Levi decided he’d let him be. He hadn’t quite admitted that he now longed for the warmth of Erwin on him, for what started as shy acts of foolishness ended up filling their every encounter all over.

    Erwin had already rolled the leg of his trousers as far as it would stretch, settling somewhere mid-thigh, when Levi allowed himself to finally take a breath in. His face was so tight. The warmth eventually left his legs, after far too much lingering. Levi followed Erwin's hands with vacant eyes, now busy putting the bloody bandage away and pouring alcohol onto a clean gauze. He almost jumped when Erwin slid a hand behind his knee, ticklish and light. He used it as an anchor to lift Levi's leg, and laid his foot atop of his own thigh. Erwin felt warm beneath the tender flesh of his sole. His face untied at once, and he let out a contented, slow breath. Something so comforting couldn’t possibly be that wrong. That dangerous.

    The next thing he felt was the cold and prickling against his cut, where Erwin pressed the gauze. He hissed, not as much from the pain than from the overwhelming touch.

“Sorry,” Erwin muttered softly, tapping the gauze at his knee with the most delicate pressure.

    Levi said nothing, and deemed it better to focus his attention elsewhere. He looked through the windows, appreciating how blue and empty the sky was. It had been months since it had been anything else than white or grey. Black silhouettes were passing through, dancing against the plain background. Migratory birds, coming back to their homes after a warm winter far beyond the Walls. Or something like that. He never listened to Hange all the way through.

“ _The Poet is like this monarch of the clouds, who haunts the storm and scorns the archer's bow: exiled on earth amidst its hooting crowds, he cannot walk, borne down by his giant wings._ ” Erwin's voice recited quietly, filling the room with words that never made it past the barriers of Levi's brain.  
“What?” was all Levi could blurt out, snapping his head back at Erwin.  
“Beautifully fitting, isn't it?” Erwin held the alcohol filled cloth firmly against Levi's knee, making a pressure point.  
“I- Huh? Did you even fucking say anything?” Levi blinked.  
“Just some poetry.”  
“Huh?” He blinked again.  
“I found this old poetry book while cleaning the other day. I thought I had lost it.” Erwin sent his eyes to his desk, where Levi noticed the worn book sitting there.  
“You? Cleaning? Don't make me laugh. And what the hell are you even talking about?” Levi added defensively. “I can't understand a single word you're blabbering. Poetry? The fuck is that thing? Sounds like a pompous headache if you ask me.”

    Erwin laughed softly, lowering his head.

“Poetry is something that can seem small or distant to some, but to others, it is a weapon, a shield, and a cure altogether. It's just a nice way to get your mind to wander and at the same time, to remind you that you're not so helpless. A mighty companion for wretched fools.”

    Every hue of confusion were painting Levi's face at once. His relentless eyes were running all over Erwin's stupidly contented face, hoping to find even the slightest glimpse of sense there. When he didn't, his expression settled on offended.

“Do I look like fucking poetry to you?” Levi barked.

    Erwin burst out laughing, loud and candid, hunching forwards, face falling dangerously shy of resting on Levi’s thigh. Levi was more pissed off than ever, absolutely clueless as to what was going on. Erwin barely managed to put the gauze back over Levi's knee, still chuckling to himself, eyes bright and threatening to overspill. He wiped them quickly with the back of his hand, his fond smile still stretching his face wide.

“Who knows. Maybe you do.”

    Unable to decrypt Erwin's insinuation, Levi decided to feel insulted. It was a rare occurrence, but at this moment, he felt ridiculously belittled. But Erwin’s hands on him were warmer than the sun, and he shone even brighter, so he braced himself and endured the embarrassment.

    When the silence in the room felt light and comfortable again, Levi allowed himself to relax, and closed his eyes, lulled by the firm and soothing pressure still weighing at his knee. And also, the wanderer thumb that was very lightly grazing the back of his calf.

“By the way Levi, how are your reading and writing improving?”

    Levi expelled the air out of his lungs at once, irritated.

“Fine.”

    He really didn't need to be reminded that the last time he'd felt so small had been when Erwin found out that he couldn't properly read nor write. Honestly, Levi wasn’t sure how he managed to conceal it for so long. But at one point, Erwin had pulled Shadis every last string to get Levi to become a Team Leader, not that Levi asked for it; but, Erwin's scheme, so he complied. It was then that Levi acknowledged he couldn't hide it no longer. He had been ready to face the shame, or at least the endeavour that would come with learning himself, but instead, Erwin only insisted on teaching him. Or rather, ended up having to order him so, as Levi didn't take the bite so easily; but, Erwin's orders, so he had thrown the last parts of his pride away and given in. It was winter time, and the cold froze the air as well as the Survey Corps’ activities, so really, there hadn’t been much else to do.

“I read your report from the yesterday's expedition.”

    Three sentences on a piece of paper, written with so much struggle that nobody could actually read them. Not even Erwin, he was sure.

“It is... an improvement.”  
“Oh piss off, old man.”  
“No, Levi, I'm serious. It's not an easy thing to learn, and you're doing good. Although I don’t have much time to keep teaching you now that expeditions resumed, I'll try my best to make myself available.”  
“Whatever.”  
“You know you must, now that you’re an Officer.”  
“I know. I’m just saying _you_ don’t have to do it. You seem to enjoy seeing me struggle way too much, and I don't like it.”

    An amused smile stretched Erwin’s lips.

“What can I say? My father used to be a teacher, I must have inherited this from him.”  
“Oh really? Then it's no wonder why you have such a huge-ass stick up your ass. Or why you use so many big words that nobody actually understands.”

    Erwin blinked twice, eyebrows stretched up. Then, the shadow of a smirk veiled his face.

“ _This winged traveller, how awkward he is, and feeble! How droll he seems, he who late was all grace!_ ”

    Levi kicked his leg up with a sharp click of his tongue, aiming for the jaw. Erwin wrapped both his palms around it and guided it back down with soft hands. He looked up at Levi with a lingering smile.

“Once you get better at reading, I'll lend you this book,” he said, pointing to the desk.  
“As if I'd ever waste my time with that kind of shit.”  
“You would be wrong to dismiss it so eagerly. Poetry can be very cathartic, even to someone like you.”  
“Cachtar-what?” Then, Levi groaned. “See? That’s exactly what I meant, you pretentious asshole.”

    Erwin chuckled softly.

“Cathartic,” he repeated slowly, “A catharsis. It’s like cleaning away all the stains that haunt you.” He seemed cautions about his choice of words, so Levi could understand. “It’s the process that helps you clear the burden of the horrors you’ve lived. Of the horrors you’ve caused, and keep causing. It’s turning in on yourself and letting go of all your sorrows, heartaches, guilt. Like facing all the suppressed emotions that weigh you down, and setting them free, so you can live with yourself again. It’s… quite the selfish act.”

    It sounded more like a confession than a definition. Levi looked away, his insides knotted tight.

“You're talking nonsense again, Erwin.”

    Erwin’s gaze seemed to hold onto an invisible anchor before him. He closed his eyes, painful, and shook his head.

“You're right. My apologies.”  
“Whatever. Are you not done with that already?” Levi shook his leg that had stopped bleeding a while ago.  
“I... Give me a minute.”

    Levi leaned forward, sending a curious glance at what Erwin was fumbling with down on the ground. He was pulling at a long white bandage strip with struggle. Levi rolled his eyes, and reached for the back of his belt.

“There,” he said blankly, swinging a knife mere inches from Erwin's face.

    Erwin cocked an eyebrow, not from fear, but rather, accusation. He took it nonetheless, fingers brushing against Levi's. He cut the bandage to a better suited length, and seemed to contemplate the knife for a bit. He finally handed it back to Levi.

“I thought you stopped carrying a knife around,” he stated, wrapping the strip tightly around Levi's knee.  
“Well, aren't you glad I didn't?”

    Levi didn't deem it necessary to let Erwin know that he used to carry three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to Charles Baudelaire for the poetry quotes, from the poem "L'Albatros" (which was a bitch to translate properly tbh)  
> Also, shout out to my beta-readers for putting up with my French ass.


	2. rotten apples (845 - 2 months before the fall of Maria)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2!  
> And thank you for the feedback on the first chapter, smooches on all your beautiful faces ;)

 

    The day their silent vow to keep their hearts from colliding into one another shattered, the vibrant colors of dusk were just starting to fade into the darkness of the night. Erwin was sat in his office, reviewing the last details of tomorrow's expedition once more, under the quiet watch of Levi sitting across the crowded desk. Erwin's quill pen had been spinning in his hand for a while now, making Levi's eyes tire of focusing. He rose his gaze to Erwin instead, who was wearing a thoughtful frown that cast dark shadows on his face, dancing with the lights of the candle burning near. From what could have resembled a peaceful, static scene, Levi thought, everything was moving too fast.

    He let out a long sigh, breaking eye contact with the incessant movement of Erwin's figure, and put his long empty cup of tea aside before sitting at the back of his chair, heels at the edge of the seat. He let his gaze travel to the window behind Erwin, where the vivid clouds of twilight stood immobile against the darkening sky. Not even a bird passed to break the stillness. Levi appreciated that.

    Quiet hushes began to leave Erwin's mouth, inaudible and not meant to be heard, followed by the scratches of a quill against paper. Aside from that mellow background noise, the world around them both was at rest. A calmness that usually preceded the storm Levi had grown to despise.

    Soon, the windows were nothing but the orange reflection of a lone candlelight. Erwin shifted in his seat, stretching his shoulders lightly, popping sound muffled by the rustling of fabric. Levi's absent eyes, attracted by the only motion in a while, leisurely reposed on him. The room fell still and quiet again. Heavy. Erwin's figure was arched forwards, face absurdly close to the papers his quill was filling black. Shadows from the restless single flame battled on his face, carving his features so deeply into his skin Erwin looked inexorably old.

    A snort escaped Levi's nose, scrunched up at the pitiable sight. He promptly got up to his feet, movements wider than needed, and reached a set of towering shelves. He shuffled through them, loudly, and lingered there, fumbling unnecessarily, hoping to ease a latent itch caused by this overwhelming stillness. At last, he grabbed a handful of candles and dropped them on Erwin's desk. He paused there for a moment, sending a curious glance at the Squad Leader, undisturbed by Levi's sudden racket, his whole face grimmer with every passing moment.

    Levi clicked his tongue and with the same hastiness, lit up the candles. With every new flame, the creases in Erwin's face filled with light, the arch of his back lessened and Levi's lungs untied. He fell down his seat, arms and legs crossed, eyes intense on the man across the desk. The quiet was bearable again.

    Yet, despite his best efforts, Levi couldn't help but notice the everlasting exhaustion Erwin would always sport under his eyes. The man had been overworking himself, again, but his sleepless nights of work, calculations and planning were the only reason they – the Survey Corps – somehow managed to make it through, so Levi let it be. Shadis knew this too, and so Shadis let Erwin be too. This was probably the best thing the Survey Corps' Commander had been doing of late: letting Erwin handle the strategies and ensure the future of Humanity.

    Levi unfolded his legs, eyes never leaving Erwin, and thought, not for the first time, that Humanity's only chance at victory rested in his hands. Of course, he had heard the rumours, the murmurs, that the day Commander Shadis would shatter under the weight of such a responsibility would soon come. Erwin shall then take his place. Erwin was the only one who could. In the end, he was the one with the most ghosts nestling in the darkness under his eyes.

    Levi wished there were more candles to burn.

    Somewhere in the midst of his thoughts, Levi realised, Erwin's hands had let go of his pen, and had stacked a handful of papers in a corner of his desk. They were now busy tracing the rim of an empty teacup.

“Tea?” Erwin enquired, tired.

    Something to take Levi's mind off its heavy concerns, at last. He leaned forwards, half standing, hands reaching for the cold teapot. What they found instead was the comforting veil of Erwin's hand on his, warm and grounding. Levi cocked one eyebrow.

“I'll do it. My legs could use some stretching.”

    Levi's brows relaxed and his body started to withdraw in his chair, but Erwin's hands were still wrapped around his, light but overwhelming. Levi knew to wait, patiently, rooted mid-movement. Slowly, the weight at his skin evaporated, gliding to the back of his hands, tracing the boiling veins, and brushing against every knuckle. Erwin kept the warmth for himself.

    Levi fell back down his chair, and in the next blink, Erwin and the teapot had left the room. His hands itched relentlessly. A quick glance at the landscape of scattered papers and books spread on the desk was enough to make him jump to his feet and get busy. He unfolded, piled, arranged, wrapped and moved every piece of clutter frantically, and the rich umber of the cherry wood emerged again. He worked, stern, with the foggy purpose of stopping the mess from reflecting more dark shadows on Erwin's face.

    He only paused when his hands stumbled upon something unexpectedly soft. He lowered his gaze to it, surprised to find a long envelope; old rose velvety paper, ornamented with stamped scarlet peonies. Erwin's name was written in the middle with an elegance the man himself could never hope to reach.

    Levi knew better than to snoop around Erwin's affairs, and admittedly, reading was a task he avoided earnestly, but this one particular letter was daring him. After another second of waver, Levi finally grabbed it, creasing a line into the delicate stationary, and pulled the letter out. His eyes darted to the sparse words, squinting and twitching at the sight of letters that were too extravagant to be read. Nevertheless, in the midst of his struggle, he managed to make out the most important words.

“Funny thing, isn't it? It seems that being here quickly makes you forget that most people have plans other than the inevitability of their own funeral.” Erwin's voice erupted behind him, bleak yet gentle. “Sometimes I almost envy them for being so oblivious to their own prison.”  
“You’re talking shit. _You_ ’re telling me you’d rather stay in this shithole forever then? Since when?” Levi snarled, eyes still on the paper.

    Erwin finally appeared in front of him, fuming teapot in his hands.

“No, this is not what I am saying, and you know it.”  
“Then stop making it look like you do, because I really want to hit your stupid face when you say shit like this.”  
“But don’t forget that we fight so that, one day, we can all be free to live the lives we want.”  
“Yeah, and in the meantime we’re the only ones doing what needs to be done, while the rest of Humanity does nothing but spit at our faces and plan fucking tea parties.”

    Erwin blinked slowly in acknowledgement, then walked around the room, leaving the sterile conversation at that. He poured the freshly brewed tea in their respective cups, sitting lone at the centre of the now clear desk, a suspicious stiffness in his movements. Levi threw the letter down and replaced the space in his hands with his burning cup. The scent of warm ginger appeased his mind.

“Will you go?” he asked with a blunt curiosity, thinking back at the content of the letter.  
“I'm afraid I will have to decline. Nobody can tell where I'd be in three months,” _perhaps_ _somewhere underneath the ground_ was hanging silent at the end of his sentence, but they both knew better than to feed the thought. “Moreover, I do not believe my presence to be welcome there. I gave up on this life long ago, I'm afraid I will only stand out, restless.”  
“Are you shitting me? You spend your goddamn time twiddling around the fattening pigs of Wall Sina. Don't tell me you don't know how to behave in that environment.”  
“Ah. Well, you see...” Erwin closed the lid of the sugar pot and put it back on the shelf at the corner of the room, letting his words hover at his lips. “I only go there as Erwin Smith, Squad Leader of the Survey Corps, with the sole goal of helping my own cause. That's how politics are: rehearsed, faked, and cordial. But a wedding?” Erwin paused, drifting his eyes away from Levi. “I don't know who I would go as.”

    Levi's frown had grown gradually through Erwin's words.

“Horseshit.” He clicked his tongue, his face relaxing at last. “You're just too afraid to go.”  
“Afraid? Why would I be?” Erwin seemed genuinely confused.

    _Marie_. Levi couldn't recall why he knew about this or why such a trivial, fruitless information was still stored in his brain. He couldn't even remember how he learnt about all of this in the first place – a very drunk Mike, most likely.

“You should go.” Levi avoided the question, realising that, even for himself, the mention of Marie was inappropriate. “At this rate, it's not Titans that'll kill you, but your own workload. Take the day off, stuff your sad face-hole with grease dripping food worth months of rations. Hopefully you'll do something stupid enough to piss off the disgusting hog that is Nile on his big day,” he paused, relishing the thought. “Get drunk and embarrass yourself with your shitty jokes. Maybe the ugliest one will feel sorry enough to let you fuck her while she's puking out her roasted, truffle-stuffed lamb's ass. And the asparagus. Don't forget the fucking asparagus.”

    Erwin laughed candidly, head shaking down, his tea threatening to spill from the waver.

“You're making this sound less appealing by the second,” he said once he finally recollected himself, “Truly, I think I'll pass.”

    Levi shrugged, deciding that none of this was his business anyway, and sank at the back of his chair, snuggling up in a tangle of his legs. He brought his teacup to his lips.

    Erwin leaned down to take the envelope from the desk, hands delicately putting the letter back in and sealing it shut. He then discarded it on a neatly wrapped folder – the one where laid dozens of death notices eager to be filled. Levi snorted quietly at the circumstance. His eyes then travelled up to Erwin, who was now standing by the window, stirring the ridiculous amount of sugar he'd filled his tea with. His usually imposing figure was the one of a withered flower, and Levi didn't miss the wince veiling his face as he moved his cup to his mouth. His eyes squinted narrower.

“Do you ever wonder, what your life could have been like if none of this ever existed?”

    Erwin's words travelled through the room like the echo of a long forgotten song. Levi's face darkened. It was a dangerous thought to explore – not for himself, but for Erwin. The threat of losing his self in such idle fantasies wasn't one for Levi; his brain never had the luxury of wandering through such light paths. But Erwin's had. Did still.

“Are you asking if I'd still be slicing necks of regular sized monsters and cleaning after Isabel and Farlan's mess instead of yours?”  
“The underground city wouldn't exist without the threat of the Titans,” Erwin stated, thoughtful, before looking straight at Levi. “Forgive me, Levi, I didn't mean to bring this up.”  
“Then don't.”

    A tremble overtook his hands, only for a moment. Levi lowered his cup on his knees, squeezing at them. He caught the glimpse of a green and golden shopfront. A tea shop. He shook his head.

“And no, no, I don't think about this. Why would I even need such stupid thoughts?”

    Erwin leaned against the window, his cup hanging at the edge of his lips.

“I suppose you wouldn't.”  
“You don't either.”  
“You're right.” He turned his head back to Levi, “Although, I admit I cannot help but entertain the idea, every once in a while.”  
“What for? It doesn't have any purpose, so really, stop it.”

    Erwin seemed to hold onto his query for another minute. Levi watched him shake his head with a nebulous smile. It quickly died down.

“No, it doesn't. I'm sorry.”

    Levi shrugged.

“You know I'll kick your stupid ass if you ever stray from your goal. Which, by the way, is much more exciting than the fantasy of a boring life.”  
“It is, indeed.”

    Levi kept his gaze on Erwin, looking up through his frowned eyebrows, scrutinizing. From the resolute hue in the cerulean eyes, it seemed like Erwin was focused on the fundamental again. Levi allowed his body to relax, and sipped his tea loudly.

“Then I suppose,” he started cheekily, “you could at least hope you'd have a wife rubbing your ancient back. Though I can't say she'd be very nice to look at.”

    Erwin let out a light chuckle. Then, he brought his free hand to his neck and rubbed at it.

“Ah. So you noticed?”  
“You've been crawling like a slug all day long, of course I noticed.”

    Erwin lowered his head, covering the slight blush dusting his cheeks.

“Sometimes I seem to forget that my bones are older than I'd have them be.”  
“Just admit that you move with the grace of a fucking swine. Too bad you didn't hit that tree square in the face, at least it'd have arranged it. Or was it that Mike is still better at sparring than you are?”  
“That he probably is. Although, I'm sorry to inform you that I simply strained my shoulder helping Hange load the carts for tomorrow.”  
“Fucking embarrassing.” Levi clicked his tongue loudly. “Did you get this checked?”  
“No, I did not. It is nothing to worry about, I've dealt with worse.”

    Erwin sported a reassuring smile.

"Then don't expect me to come and save your ass if you're too busy scratching your back when Titans want their dinner."  
"I wouldn't dare," Erwin replied fondly.  
"You know this wouldn't happen if you were not sitting on your ass like a pile of garbage all freaking day."  
“It's a good thing I won't be tomorrow then.”

    Levi hissed in disapproval of Erwin's nerve.

"As much as I appreciate your concern Levi, it is not needed. This is only the nuisance of, I'm afraid, getting older. It is nothing I have not managed before."

    Once again, Levi sipped his tea noisily, as if to cover Erwin's words with the gurgling sound. He knew Erwin's discomfort was, as he said, nothing to worry about. A mere stiffness of old bones, over-sitting and one movement off. Perhaps, also, the weight of hundreds of ghosts. Yet, Levi hated to see Erwin prone to any kind of weakness; it didn't suit the relentless and devoted soldier he was supposed to be, and it pissed Levi off greatly. A human being, that's what Erwin was, Levi reckoned at his own insurrection. One whose life was as complex and fragile as any other. If not more.

    Levi clicked his tongue, the wilted stature of Erwin itching at his peripheral vision, and jumped on his feet. He seized the stool sitting hoary near a bookcase and threw it next to Erwin.

"Sit," Levi demanded as he began to roll up his sleeves, "and take off your jacket and your gear."

    Erwin lowered his head with a smile, amused yet fond, but they both knew Levi's tone was not one to argue with. He complied. Erwin lowered his half empty teacup on the windowsill, and carefully put his jacket aside, soon followed by a tangle of leather straps. When Erwin finally sat down the stool, back facing him, Levi brought a firm hand down his broad shoulder and pulled at it.

"Sit straight, for fuck's sake."

    Erwin immediately corrected his stance, and Levi's hand squeezed at the shoulder, trying to find the root of Erwin's stiffness. He wrapped his other hand under the strong biceps muscle of Erwin's right arm and lifted it up. Then, he started pulling and pushing at it, palm flat on the shoulder blade, attentive to any reaction of Erwin's body. Levi was no expert, but he had done this enough times to have some knowledge of what to look for. Or so he thought. But the more he was touching, feeling, pressing, the less he perceived. Soon, the pressure of his fingers at Erwin's back released and turned into the shadow of a distant memory. His hand made way all over, against each vertebrae, around the shoulder blades, over each muscle. Nothing more than the brush of fingertips over the white cotton. A false memory, Levi instantly reckoned, as he realised that he had never touched anyone with such gentleness.

    He stopped for a moment, letting his hands hover so close over Erwin that he could still feel the softness of the fabric underneath, and mused over the familiarity of the situation. His cautious eyes travelled up each crease of Erwin's shirt, up to the collar, and paused before daring to cross the line of it, where skin peeked through. The strong curves of Erwin's nape, the dark golden stubble of hair growing there and then, the long wheat strands falling over.

    The astray hand glazing at Erwin's back slowly, very slowly, wandered upwards, threatening to ravage through that golden field. Only the faintest touch, barely perceptible, of his fingertips against the short, scratchy hair at the base of Erwin's skull. Levi's eyes widened. Despite himself, he felt a new kind of affection in all this. Levi suddenly remembered he was human too. Erwin's right arm almost slipped from his grasp.

“Levi?” Erwin called, cutting through the quiet of the room. There was a faint tremor in his voice.

    Levi's hand twitched, abruptly reminded of its own deviance. He cleared his throat to recollect himself, thrusted his palm flat between Erwin's shoulder blades, tightened his grip under Erwin's arm, and yanked harshly, almost vengeful. A loud cracking sound of bones and flesh, outshined by a pained grunt.

“There,” Levi threw his word with the same disdain he let go of Erwin.

    He stepped back and unceremoniously dropped on Erwin's desk, arms crossed, legs hanging in the air, face as neutral as ever. It was another moment until Erwin finally got up to his feet and faced Levi again. They shared an ominous gaze for a bit, before both decided to let it go. Erwin took the few steps to his office chair, and settled down, posture too formal – really, it was probably only due to Levi's ruthless treatment.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin whispered, arms dropping to the desk, one of which was dangerously close to Levi's thigh.

    Levi thought nothing of it, until Erwin's hand shamelessly shifted against his leg, seeking its warmth. Levi’s eyes twitched and he sat back, arms crossed tighter, and his legs pressed heavier against the desk, capturing Erwin's pinky finger underneath.

“You're looking even worse than before,” Levi couldn't help but notice, despite his best intentions.

    Erwin pressed his lips in a line, slightly drawing upwards.

“Well, I cannot exactly say that you are the most experienced nor delicate.”  
“I'm not the loving wife you've been mooning over now, am I?”

    Erwin chuckled, and the fingers of his right hand, trapped under Levi's thigh, fluttered.

“I certainly appreciate the gesture Levi, be sure of that.” His blink lasted for a second too long, a contented expression on his face.

    Erwin brought his free hand to his own nape, rubbing at it with a slight grimace of discomfort.

“You ungrateful piece of shit,” Levi muttered under his breath, not without impudence.

    Erwin let out a laugh at that, and Levi couldn't help but allow a smirk to carve onto his face. The silence fell back in the room, light and familiar, only disturbed by the drumming of Erwin's fingers against the desk. In the next moment, he had found his quill, and started spinning it again in mesmerising, steady circles. Levi felt like these were his nerves, being pulled at between Erwin's fingers, and only wished he would stop. It wasn't the fidgeting itself that upset him, but rather, the meaning it bore: Erwin's mind was straying again. On such a night, it held the weight of a profoundly unwelcome doom.

    Levi observed the scene for a bit, feeling a bitterness settle in his guts. He sighed before swiftly lifting his – other – leg, and pushed Erwin against the back of his chair with his foot.

“And stop fucking slouching.”

    Erwin, startled by Levi's sudden move, tore away from his thoughts, and in a reflex, grabbed the first thing his fingers could reach: the leather strap of Levi's gear circling his knee. Erwin blinked twice, recollecting himself.

“Forgive me. Force of habit.”

    Levi lowered his foot back down, and threw a brief glance at Erwin's hand, already anchored on his leg, as if it had always belonged there. Levi breathed in slowly and uncrossed his arms, secluding his attention from Erwin, who felt too heavy on him. He popped his knuckles, one by one, loudly, mindlessly. It had been a while, Levi reckoned, since he had stopped snatching Erwin away when he would linger too close, regardless of how overwhelming. He actually indulged in it. If not, then he ached for it.

    Levi would reach out if he believed he could bear it, but this kind of bravery had been sealed shut far too long ago behind the heavy curtains of all he had lost. And the tenderness that lurked despite the abundance of regrets – because of it, burnt at the slightest touch. He had already lost too much: his mother, Kenny – to a certain extent, Farlan and Isabel, hundreds of comrades, and gained nothing show for it but a drenching sorrow that stuck to his skin like a leech. He would lose Erwin too, one day. Perhaps tomorrow.

    Erwin's hand suddenly felt heavier than what Levi could endure, and he feared his bones would crush under it. Erwin's drifting was beginning to gnaw at him too, and so he hastily crossed his legs, leaving Erwin's hand to fall back on the desk. Erwin straightened his spine and shifted his eyes onto Levi's.

“Pardon me Levi, it seems I was... lost in thought.”  
“I noticed,” he replied, with less spite that he intended.  
“If you have anywhere else to be, please, tend to it. I am afraid I do not have much entertainment to offer.”

    They both already knew the answer.

“I don't.”  
“I see.”

    Erwin nodded with a soft smile, and his hand boldly crawled back on Levi's leg. It was particularly clingy tonight, the same way a moth always squirms to the lethal light. The same way Titans always appear where humans are. Levi's face grew dark.

“Erwin. Whatever is on your mind, get rid of it. It won't serve you, or anyone else, when we're outside the Walls tomorrow.”  
“You're right, I should.” Erwin sounded evasive. After a moment of hesitation, he spoke again, “But I'm afraid this one idea won't leave me alone lately.”  
“Then sort it out. If you bite the dust, we're all doomed. We need you focused on your mission and nothing else. Shadis is already useless enough, don't you dare turn into him.”

    Something in Levi's words seemed to wake an awareness in Erwin, for his hand stopped its fidgeting at Levi's leg. It, however, did not leave its place on it.

“I won't, Levi. I didn't realise I filled you with so much concern.”  
“You really didn't.”  
“I'm glad then. The last thing I want is to distance you from your duty.”  
“You're not.”

    _You are._

“I know better than to lose my sleep over old fucks like you,” Levi continued, “But don't distance yourself from yours. So whatever you have in that stupid brain of yours, sort it out. Now.”

    Erwin nodded slowly, and his eyes shifted slightly to rest, unfocused, on the void between them. Though the crease in his brows showed his mind was busy, contemplative. Honestly, he was thinking way too loudly for Levi's appreciation. He shrugged and turned his face away from Erwin.

    He couldn't help but assume that Erwin's sudden wandering had everything to do with that letter – the invitation to Marie and Nile's wedding. In the rich silken ink Erwin probably unburied the reminiscence of a forgotten ideal. Levi wanted to believe that the man knew better than to mull over rotten idylls, but then again, he supposed that there were some things one can never really let go. Unlike pain, sweetness left no scars, no dark shadows to show for it. Only a dwelling tenacity rushing through every pulse of the heart, invisible but very present. Erwin had left a portion of his life in the delicate veins of Marie, one he could never get back.

Levi felt a slight squeeze at his knee. A foreshadowing. He turned his head back to Erwin, whose eyes caught his intensely.

“What do _you_ think, Levi?” His voice was low, almost accusing.

    The bare candour in Erwin's question made Levi doubt his own reasoning. There was a sacred sanctuary of all the things left unsaid, of all the heavily guarded “what if”s, the “almost”s, that was threatening to collapse. Somewhere in this web of stolen redemptions, Levi understood: Erwin had chosen Titans over Marie years ago, and his resolve stood adamant. Once you've embraced death so intimately, any other aspect of life becomes bland, meaningless, and you just stop chasing them altogether.

    But more than this, Erwin had the determination of none other before him, and Levi was convinced that his will never flinched before anything. He had no space left in his heart for something as petty as the wish of an easy way. Erwin was over her, over all of this. Levi knew that.

    No, this was not about Marie, nor the prospect of a peaceful, mundane life. It never had been.

    It was about those silent cravings for warmth, the unnecessary lingering of a dangerous touch, those small gestures so full of intention, the beacons of light they saw in each other, the hope that they could save one another from the abyss they had trapped themselves into.

    This, was about Levi himself.

    His eyes travelled down to his own thigh, where Erwin's hand was laying restless. Levi's body softened and his attention shifted to his own hands. The same ones that had allowed themselves the leisure of wander, only moments ago. They could still feel the silk of Erwin's hair. Was that it, that Erwin had been so absorbed in? The persisting need for something tragically alive to cling onto. The simple yet grounding touch of another person – no, of Levi's and Levi’s only. The luxury of a swelling heart they could not afford.

    Levi quickly found it impossible to bring the thought any further. More than a shield of self-preservation, what he stumbled upon was simply the void of his own ignorance. He didn't grow up to tales of princes and princesses, or even the shadow of a happy ever after. He'd only ever been taught about his own survival: how to hide, fight, steal and kill. Levi's closest encounters with the notion of wanting and being wanted had been a couple of quick and impersonal crude fucks in the dim incandescence of a filthy tavern's bathroom. It only took him a few to decide they were too much trouble for what the act was worth. Not to omit, awfully unhygienic for his own enjoyment.

    Romance, relatively more so, bore no part in his life whatsoever. For the longest time, he wasn't even acquainted to the mere concept of it. To this day, it remained a vast unexplored territory; one he had but no yearning to map out. Thus, Levi never nourished the idea of it.

    Yet, he couldn't deny the curiosity when it came to Erwin, nameless but absolute. Neither loving nor lusting, but rather, a reciprocated recognition of each other that served beyond what words could carry. And alongside, a distant – sinister – longing for intimacy his pragmatic mind couldn't fathom. To put it simply: Levi wouldn't hate the idea of Erwin's hands and mouth tarring his body with the agony of a thousand dying suns.

    This was as far as his mind could induce the thought, and Levi concluded it had already painted too many futile bruises on his brain. If he wasn't careful enough, then Erwin was going to drag him down. He ought to put an end to this masquerade. Levi swallowed hard.

“I think this is your own choice to make. You know I trust your judgement better than mine.” He felt the burning need to explain himself further. “The one that will help Humanity achieve its freedom. The one of someone who has given up on his own life and offered his heart to carry out this duty.”

    A warning he hoped Erwin would be wise to induce himself. Levi should have stopped here, he knew he should have. But his next words escaped his lips without notice; a selfish plea for mercy. Levi despised himself for it.

“Whatever your decision is, I'll accept it.”  
“I see.” A fractured tone that loomed over Levi like a tower of impending doom.

    Erwin's hand withdrew from Levi's knee, leaving his whole body to dissolve under a veil of ice. His vacant eyes rested on the shadow of it, defeated. He heard rustling in front of him, but needn't focus on it. Levi already knew what was going to happen.

    _He would accept it._

    And so it happened; the warmth of Erwin's fingers shrouding his jaw, the imposing body pushing his legs apart to nestle in between, the firm hand gripping at his waist. Erwin's outrageous lips condemning his to an odyssey of lamentations, dry and bitter.

    Levi accepted it.

    He sat there overthrown, letting Erwin handle him like a lifeless doll. His eyes open still only showed him the blur of his own struggle, fading behind a hint of gold. More than frozen, his body was limp, conquered by Erwin's pledge of abandoning their duty for the blissful deceit of their own greed. A tragedy he wouldn't wish to be saved from.

    His lips only moved because Erwin's made them, tugging, claiming. The sole anchor Levi was grasping still was the blighted taste on his tongue: one of a laurel wreath rotting away under a grieving rain of tears and blood; of the sunshine sailing on a breeze coming from so far unknown, humid and full of salt; of the ruins of an ancient haven, god-touched, that tasted like apples, too ripe and bitter, oh so bitter. Of ginger tea with too much sugar. Not only Erwin's taste, but his own too. Together, they made for the most desolating ecstasy.

    In it, Levi uncovered a new ideal, sheepish yet dreadfully becoming. A primal instinct, threatening to collapse into his very core; though, instead of resisting, Levi rose in it.

    He gave in.

    This time, Levi's body acted on its own rather than being set in motion by Erwin. His lips moved, catching Erwin's, then opening to delve further into that devastating taste. One of his arms rose to nestle in the golden field blossoming at the bed of Erwin's skull, feathery but heavy nonetheless. Their silent oath was slow, unguarded, and everything Levi had never ventured in before. There was hesitant desire there, withheld by a strangling ache at the precipice of unbecoming, but still, very, very stubborn. Levi wanted it to unravel under the softness and candour of Erwin's lead, that he could but follow with a fervent faith.

    Although, he couldn't help the impression that a stronger might was holding Erwin back; one Levi sensed to be very private. And so, everything felt brittle, shy, and honestly, quite vicious.

    Erwin pulled away, slipping right through Levi's hands. Soon, the only warmth, the only weight on Levi were but his owns. Erwin was already far, though he could easily be reached with the tremor of a muscle. But still, so, so far away. Levi dared to focus his blurry eyes onto him, only to meet a stranger on Erwin's features: a very honest fear.

    A barely noticeable tilt of Levi's head, eyes settling deeper into that unexpected sight. Somehow, he understood. Not that it sat right with him. If years of trials had taught him anything, it was that you can never run away. The only way out was in. Erwin knew this too, he had to. How could he still be alive otherwise? How could he still be clinging onto his beliefs, if not from always confronting evil head on? Then why was this fear so barren? Why was the distance between them seemingly far greater than it really was? At this moment, Erwin looked nothing but how much he wanted to run away. A shadow of regret that didn't suit him in the slightest.

    Levi saw red. He sprung forwards and seized Erwin by the collar of his shirt, pulling him down menacingly.

“Is that it?” his voice was shaking, whether with rage, tenderness or anguish, he couldn't tell. “ _You_ 've made the decision to bring _me_ down with you, so at least do it like you fucking mean it.”

    Erwin's face widened. The spite in Levi's voice rose through Erwin as an apology stolen before spoken, for a consent he was scared to have desecrated; for the despicable display of vulnerability he'd forced onto Levi.

“I'm sorry.” A pained gaze. “I will.” A profound gratitude.

    Erwin's body eased against Levi's, almost melted onto him. One hand covered Levi's tight fist and untangled his fingers. Then, Erwin led them a few inches down, at the root of his sternum, where his heart beat, absolute. Levi's hand closed tightly around the fabric there, scraping at the skin underneath.

    Erwin leaned in again. Slow and heavy, not withholding this time, and rather seeking to dismantle every piece of Levi's armour, bit by bit. Red velvet lips brushed at each of Levi's temples, eyelids, cheeks, at the bridge of his nose and the furrow of his forehead, like mapping out where he would crumble first. Levi couldn't describe how it felt, only that it wasn't quite right and left him nauseous. This was all too intimate. Insane.

    It wasn't quite right.

    His whole body quivered and his limbs jumped at Erwin: legs pressing strongly at his hips and arms gripping his neck with hungry claws. Forced to fall forwards at the sudden clutch, Erwin lost his balance, arms fumbling to anchor at the desk. Levi wouldn't allow him the time to recover and forcibly pulled him closer. His teeth knocked against Erwin's and he broke through his mouth bluntly. A low growl tore out of Erwin's throat, vibrated through Levi's every vein. His nails buried deeper into that gold dressed nape. His dry lips seethed, raw. He was stealing every breath from Erwin; the only air his lungs demanded still. Erwin could only comply.

    There was a familiar urgency in Levi's actions, something that didn't give time for feelings to settle, for souls to become bare. Something easier to cope with. He was travelling the only path his body remembered, the one where the iron of his core stood unbreachable. He thought back on his former encounters and how much he hated them, for every reason but this one: the relief of never having to see nor be seen.

    Erwin however, wasn't another stranger whose face was barely standing out against the darkness of their shame and lack of humanity. No, Erwin was the everything Levi found when there was nothing left. Erwin knew him, he regarded him, he understood him. Levi could only look up to him, trust his vision and, quite simply, cherish their communion; there was nothing else to do. And in spite of this, Levi was acting like the man hung at his lips was another nobody. It wasn't quite right. It wasn't right at all.

“Levi,” he felt his name on his own lips rather than heard it.

    Erwin's eyes were so close to his that every dancing flame of the room could be seen in their reflection, tainting the cold blue with burning orange.

“I...” as soon as he started, he realised he had no intention of finishing.

    _I don't know, I don't know._ Violence was all he knew. To feel anything else, anything at all, deranged him.

    But Erwin _understood_ him. His hands slid onto Levi's knees, wrapping around the leather straps there, and pulled at them gently, inviting. His lips were silent, but his intentions so loud. He wanted to answer Levi's questions, to console his confusion, and to show him how much _he meant it_. As countless times before, Levi could but trust him. He slipped down the desk, feet light on the tangible ground. He followed Erwin's lead, by a hand that was already starting to undo the buckle at his chest.

    Levi would face this storm head on, even if he couldn't predict how damaged he'd step out of it. He'd leave this to Erwin's discretion. It was easier this way. If the man wanted to tear him open, to make him grow weak and tender, then so be it. Erwin always made the right decisions after all.

    The creak of a wooden door, the orange lights turning colder and dimmer from the moon watching over them, and the softness of a mattress welcoming Levi with open arms. Everything smelled so vividly of Erwin. The man's weight fell on top of him, like a warm and reassuring blanket. It was no longer about their own demise. It was about the very first, original sin, and the taste of rotten apples wouldn't leave his dry mouth. His hands gripped too tightly at Erwin's arms.

    Somewhere in there, Levi realised he'd been stripped of his gear and the panels of his shirt hanged loose around his bare shoulders. Erwin was towering over him, his eyes so full of the moon, like a halo, bright and plain. They were taking in the blue paleness of a shaken Levi, so openly. These eyes were talking to him, handless prayers he couldn't comprehend, and Levi didn't know what to do. His past lovers at least, had had the good sense of never looking at him, and neither did the moon. His eyelids fluttered shut.

    He was at the edge of the storm. A broad palm pushed into his sternum, constricting his lungs. The contact was so simple, yet incredibly heavy, and the bareness of Levi's skin itched violently. His heart hammered against his ribs, eager to break through and land into that hand. Teeth dug in his neck, slow and salient, reminding him how he was only made of flesh and bones. His head fell deeper into the pillows, too soft and too full of Erwin's scent, offering more of his weakness which Erwin immediately took behind a row of hungry teeth.

    A raspy plea escaped Levi's lips, echoing through the room like a confession. As his hands rushed to tie with golden hairs, Erwin's streamed down all over the riverbeds of Levi's ribcage, releasing his lungs at last. Air filled them too fast, and soon he was only left heaving. Erwin’s mouth deserted his neck, red and slick, and followed the trail of his hands. It was scribbling holy verses into his flesh, sharp as a knife. Levi’s spine curved back, his teeth gritted and eyelids shut so tight they were displaying colours he'd never seen before.

    Erwin was too slow, too soft, but oh so meaningful, and it was driving Levi feverish. He could feel every touch, every breath, every caress made ripples on his skin. When Erwin's mouth reached the lowest before Levi's arms fell too short to hang still, he pulled at the hair threatening to slip away from his fingers. He somehow managed to raise his head again, and there he uncovered the most sinful sight: Erwin's head looming over the hem of his trousers, hidden behind the dark veil of the night, and the only flicker of light laid in his eyes, looking right through him, and the string of saliva still linking his lips to the dark hairs of his lower abdomen. Air got lost at the edge of Levi’s mouth.

    With an absurd strength, he pulled mercilessly at Erwin's hair, using the anchor to lift himself up, and flung forwards, still dragging Erwin to him. They met somewhere in the middle, violent and greedy. Levi kissed with his teeth and tongue, mouth open and lips apart. His hands were rough, tugging, pulling and pushing, clawing. They stumbled upon the collar of Erwin's shirt, and didn't wait to fumble at the buttons they met, urgent and frustrated by their own tremble. Levi would tear the fabric apart if he dared.

“Levi.” An invocation.

    He couldn't remember ever hearing his name whispered with so much devotion. A chill struck down his spine. His eyes opened, barely, and all they could see was blue and gold. Erwin's hands dressed his in a silken coat. They pushed gently, and that was enough for Levi to fall back down the bed like a stone, weak and exposed. All he could do was watch, as Erwin undid the buttons of his dress shirt, steady and slow. The only thing he could feel still was the rage of his heartbeat at his temples, and a very carnal desire all over his blood. He watched too, as Erwin finally let his shirt slide down his shoulders, ribs, hips. Levi’s eyes were open wide, aiming to let as much light in so he could swallow the sight whole. He craved to touch, to feel, to choke.

    In the same pulse his heavy arms reached up, Erwin lowered down onto him, allowing Levi to dig his nails raw into the sultry skin. Their lips sealed again, but their eyes remained open, never leaving each other. Erwin's fingers travelled down his body, pressing firmly into each dimple, each muscle, each rattling bone, and when they met the buckle of Levi's belt, undid it without reserve, if not for the slight tremble plaguing them. Levi gasped in Erwin's mouth, shameful.

    And just like that, the dread of allowing himself bare in front of Erwin – anyone – became an abandoned one, and so did his last pieces of clothing now dressing the floor. Erwin was watching, taking in all of Levi plainly. It was a sin, really. Levi felt small, so small and cornered, so cornered. He didn't try to gather the will to hide.

    Erwin's lips grazed at Levi's, and kissed their way down, handling him like he was a sacred relic to be enshrined. Levi soon understood that Erwin didn't need a shrine to worship him, only his head between his shaken thighs and the unholy chanting of wet, slick lips around him. Levi's whole body arched up, leading a bloodless battle against itself: his hands fumbling all over the pillows and sheets, the walls, the black hair sticking at his temples; his lungs indecisive about what to do with all that thick air; his legs kicking aimlessly at Erwin's shoulders. Erwin rooted his fingers deep into the hollow of his hips, grounding anvil against which Levi struggled, unable – unwilling – to stop his body from wriggling away. His spine was hurting, his muscles strained, his lungs worn out.

    Deep inside him, like a self-protecting instinct, Levi felt like he needed to do something – anything, to stop this disaster and find shelter away from the storm. With his every last effort, he managed to raise his head and open his eyelids, barely, only to be greeted by Erwin's dark shadow moving earnestly right between his legs. Blue eyes were still _fucking_ piercing right through his. His will vanished.

    Levi threw himself back down, hitting the mattress harshly, spine arched so far back, knuckles bent backwards at the edge of the bed, throat stretched out and dry from trying to hold in his rough pleas. His hips bucked hard against Erwin's hold and his heels and curled toes dug deep into his strong shoulder blades. His blood ran light, and his body heavy. Everything froze, astray, and unforgivably wretched.

    The eye of the storm. White, clear only for a short distance, then foggy and disastrous. Quiet, so quiet, despite a distant rumble of bones and destruction muffled by thick clouds. Nebulous sounds of things slipping away, and things stepping back in. The caressing at his lips, tasting of sweat and salt and sin. His own absolution. He threw his head to the side.

“Stay away from me with that gross mouth of yours, it's fucking disgusting.”

    A muted chuckle, then Erwin's lips landed somewhere in the valley of his jaw instead. They were prickling at Levi's skin, like the blood he could never rid his pores of, no matter how hard he scrubbed. He breathed in deeply, striving to recover his alarmed body. His numbed arms crawled around Erwin's nape, mindlessly grazing the short hairs there. He ached for the heaviness of a body so big laying on top of his, kissing his skin into prayers with unyielding faith and fondness. One of Levi's hands slowly made way downward, only light fingertips tracing every curve of bone, muscle, or scarred tissue with a touch like a blessing.

    His heart rate was steady again and his head barely clear, but enough to remind him how much he ought to hide. He gently pushed Erwin away, who lifted himself up until he was sitting on his heels. Levi imitated him, not without penitence. He wouldn't dare to look at Erwin. Truthfully, Levi was about to leave the room. Somehow, he didn't move. He couldn't help but wonder if Erwin didn't deserve to meet him at the eye of the storm, a limbo where everything was so light and quiet. His eyes slowly travelled down the well defined array of flesh and muscles, falling still at the tight hem of Erwin's trousers. Levi contemplated for a short moment, until his heart reminded him that Erwin was the storm himself.

    Levi really was about to leave; to leave Erwin there, untouched, unblessed.

    Until a warm pressure behind his skull guided him against Erwin's burning chest, where his ear landed right against his heart. It was beating way too fast, way too fast. Levi closed his eyes and painfully let the pitiful melody lull his thoughts softer. He sighed, heavy, and his breath bounced against Erwin's heart.

    It wasn't fair, he decided. Erwin was a devil in the making, so if anything, he merited this more than anyone. That was what devils did after all: sin, and sin, and sin again like it's a game. Levi kept his gaze down and undid the buckle of Erwin's belt, hurried yet distant.

    Actually, Levi wanted the Gods to watch and mourn because the two soldiers were to be the first sinners they didn't want to see sent to Hell. He looked at the moon through the window as he bluntly enclosed his hand around Erwin. This was the best Levi could give him though: something urgent, cold and perfunctory. This was the only way he knew how. Still, the grip at his hair tightened, and the commotion at his ear hitched for a second before singing like a broken record set too loud. He watched the moon a little longer, daring, and closed his eyes again. Erwin's breath was warm at his scalp.

    One of Erwin's hand reached down to shield Levi's, stopping it there. Then it moved up, languish, agile, teaching. Levi tore his head from Erwin's sweaty chest and looked up to him, eventually meeting his eyes again. Erwin's were already there, as if Levi's gaze was the only thing they had been searching all night. Blue, glowing, so full they looked empty. His face however, was bearing all the colours of rapture: brows furrowed but wide, cheeks crammed crimson, mouth agape, forehead sticky with stray golden hairs. In that moment, Erwin looked nothing but breathtaking.

    Levi let Erwin's hand guide his like a benevolent veil. Levi hoped for it to lodge there forever, as he was certain that without it – without _him_ , he'd crawl back to his old ways. The ones he hated. This kind of intimacy, regardless of how shaking and scary, soothed the everlasting bloodshed of his head and heart. He could get used to it, if only he could afford it. Even so, he followed Erwin's lead with unwavering trust, never breaking eye contact. He too, wanted to show Erwin how much he meant this, despite how clumsy and febrile.

    Erwin's breathing hastened under both their touch, and his mouth opened just a little more. His blue eyes struggled to stay open – but they did, never leaving their peers and Levi's heart felt way too big for his own small skeleton. He rose to his knees, laying his free hand around Erwin's jaw, and kissed him deeply, despite the lingering vile taste of his own profanity.

“I thought you didn't...”  
“Shut up,” he barely managed to mumble as his mouth was on Erwin's again, craving.

    He felt Erwin's lips stretch into a smile against his, before conceding an eager response. This time, Erwin was the one struggling to keep their kiss slow and mellow, as he was fading away under the low sounds of his own supplications. Their eyes never left each other's, not even for a blink. Erwin's hand quickened the pace, and Levi's could but go along, still nestled underneath.

    It was only another moment until Erwin drew his final lament, head falling back, dragged by the arch of his spine. Levi followed, thighs stretched up, never breaking the kiss, never breaking eye contact. Erwin didn't either, and watched deep into Levi throughout his whole blessing. Levi thanked all the panting from Erwin for rushing warm air into his lungs, because he was pretty sure he just forgot how to breathe. It was almost like Erwin's heavy breath was carrying all his senses, for Levi felt as if he just came a second time, drowning in the overwhelming intensity.

    Their kiss became leisure again, still only tongues and parted lips. Erwin's body hunched down, drained. After a while, Levi finally ought to withdraw, ever so reluctant. Erwin didn't resist. Their eyes finally parted. Levi turned away and stood up, legs weaker than he'd felt them in a very long time. The cold air of the room hit his nakedness like a welcoming friend. He reached down to his uniform on the floor and once he found the handkerchief he was looking for, roughly wiped his hands on it. He kneeled down the bed again, eyes shy, and placed a hand right at Erwin's sternum, where his heart beat slow, and pushed him to lay down the mattress with a surprising tenderness. Without another word, another look, Levi began to meticulously clean away the mess at the golden dressed stomach. Erwin's fingers were lightly stroking at the back of his arm, his eyes still seeking, but Levi decided that he couldn't take any more for the night.

    Once he made sure Erwin was immaculate, he climbed down the bed and swiftly dressed up again. He didn't turn back to look at Erwin; he already knew what he'd find there and didn't have the strength to face it. What he didn't know, however, was the amplitude of the damage left behind by the storm, but he was not eager to investigate. As he reached the half open door of Erwin's bedroom, he stopped, hand on the knob, facing forwards.

“Erwin,” the name scraped at his raspy throat, “go to Marie and Nile's wedding. I know you'll do just fine. I just saw it – _him_.” His last word never made it past his lips.

    Erwin Smith, the human being with his own inner devastating storms, emotions and nightmares. He was still there, somewhere, not that Levi ever doubted it.

    He left.


	3. abnegation (845 – fall of Maria)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to go deep into that "angst without plot" thingy~

 

     Erwin would have been able to find the perfect word to describe this. This... absolute fuck-up of a day. "Fuck-up", because Levi simply lacked the vocabulary for it. But even if he had been eloquent enough, the day had just been an outright mess of words that, in any other scenario, would have been impossible to fit together so seamlessly.

    A day that had started with the comforting taste of plain black tea, and ended with the one of acidic bile.

    Yet another expedition, which, really, shouldn't have been so different from all the ones Levi had experienced before. They were never the same, but this, _this_ had been something else entirely: the almost total annihilation of the wings of freedom, falling like they were pouring down from the sky.

    Ninteen, that was how many had made in back inside the Walls. Twenty-seven, that was how many had never left the Walls. But it wasn't forty-six soldiers who haunted the Survey Corps Headquarters that evening. Only forty-five. One, the vicious vulture whose feathers had been plucked long ago, had already left the nest: Keith Shadis, who came back, only to leave again and abandon his flock.

    Levi had expected it, yearned for it even, but he never wanted it to happen like this. The ultimate failure of the 12th Commander of the Survey Corps, leaving no less than one hundred and twenty-three pairs of severed wings behind. The biggest loss in living memory that they had lived through. And Keith Shadis, one of the few lucky ones who had survived, had simply... left. He had just left. Just like that. Alive and well.

    Really, Levi was, once again, at a loss for words to describe the rage and animosity that filled his every vein.

    There should have been a sense of relief at least, somewhere in his spleen, for the next phoenix to take the lead would have been the one who deserved it the most, the most capable of them all. But nobody, not even Levi, could find joy in the fact that Erwin had finally reached the top of that mountain of blood stained feathers. There weren't many birds left to celebrate anyway. _Only forty-five_. Out of one hundred and sixty-eight. That's twenty-six percent. That's the percentage of soldiers who should have fallen on the battlefield, not flown away from it.

    It all made Levi feel... horrendously nauseous. Not even tea managed to break through the barrier of his tightly shut throat, or untie all the knots at his stomach. Ergo, when evening came and he made his way to the meeting room, this nausea was still clinging to his guts. Alongside him walked the rest of the Officers, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to count how many there were left.

    When they entered the room, Erwin was already there, his cheeks still red from running around the whole of Wall Sina and back, for an urgent meeting with Zackley. He silently showed everyone to the large table. There were way too many chairs available. Levi sat, somewhere at the back, spine stiff and eyes empty.

    There was an awful silence looming over the room. It felt like nobody dared to breathe, as if doing so would show disrespect to the pile of dead left behind. On their greenish faces, they all bore the exact same emotions: guilt and terror. Levi knew he looked no different.

    After a minute that felt like a whole hour, Erwin finally deemed to break the silence. First, by giving a condolence speech that nobody wanted to hear, really. Then, by confirming what they all assumed: Keith Shadis was out of the picture, and Erwin would be the next Survey Corps’ Commander, starting the following day. It could seem rushed, but that was how the Corps operated, for Officers died so often that they needed to be replaced quickly. Although, Shadis didn't actually die, and Levi wished that he could restore some balance by being the one to slice that traitor's neck open.

    Erwin paused, scanning the face of every one of his comrades sat before him. Nobody said it, but their thoughts were one: Erwin had already long been the Commander of the Survey Corps, in everything but in name.

    Erwin resumed his speech with the enumeration of what needed to be done next. Levi watched him intensely, unsure whether to feel resentful for such blatant coldness and stoicism, or relieved that there was at least one person who still had his feet down to Earth. Levi didn't get the time to decide, as both the doors flew open with an outstandingly loud thud. All heads flung to it in the same startled breath, to discover that the source of such a tempestuous noise had been but a reedy, barely-old enough to be wearing the uniform, sunkissed girl.

    She took a short but rowdy breath in, her whole body shaking with intensity, and hit her lungs with a fist so forceful Levi believed he heard the sound of her bones breaking.

“Please excuse the intrusion, Squad Lea- Command-- _Erwin Smith_!” She was screeching, acute and panicked. “But I am here to inform you that Wall Maria has been breached, through Shiganshina District, no later than one hour ago!”

Then, silence. Absolute, resolute, mortifying silence. Not even a disturbance in the wind from the flutter of an eyelid or the whisper of a beating heart. Nothing. The most saintly void, that seemed to hold in the air for an infinite time. Erwin was the only one who dared breaking it.

“Can-” a rugged start that he quickly concealed behind a cough. “Can you explain what exactly do you mean by, _breached_?”

    The girl said something about two Titans, one so tall he could be seen from over the Walls, and the other crashing through the inner gate. Words about them disappearing suddenly and hundreds of others slipping in, destroying and eating all around them. White noise. Erwin's voice sounding so stern, so cold, so in control of his own emotions. It felt strangely out of place and awfully fitting at the same time. White noise again. More words. Evacuation, Wall Rose, death. A meeting of the army leaders sometime tomorrow to discuss the situation. Or was it? Levi knew he heard every single word clearly, that they all made way to his brain, engraved so deeply he could probably never forget them. They simply wouldn't process into something tangible enough to comprehend.

    Then, the deep reverberation of the doors closing behind the small soldier.

    There were  a few seconds of pristine stillness, and then everything crumbled at once. Neurotic whispers, appalled gazes, incoherent panic. Levi was stunned, unable to blink, or breathe or think.

    Somewhere in there, Erwin's voice rang, and it only resonated as foreign words and muffled noise. Nonetheless, they all complied to an order that never really made it to the realm of consciousness. Levi stood up, barely, somehow, body heavy and as quivery as his restrain. Everything around him was a blur. He wasn't sure how, but he made it out of the meeting room. There were the echoes of the footsteps of his comrades fading away. His eyes finally set to the orange glowing window before him.

    It sank in. All of it. All at once. All of what had happened in so little time. It was so, _so_ much more than what he could take, and the only thing left for him was to rush to the nearest yard and spit it all out in a sweltering coat of stomach acid.

    What an absolute fuck-up of a day.

\- - -

 

    Levi wasn't quite sure if that was how the world would end, but it sure felt like it. And in such moments, being so powerless, unable to gear up and fight against the cruelty of it, there was an irony he couldn't quite grasp. But what can a single ant do to save the whole anthill that suddenly drowns in merciless rain? Nothing. Nothing, but hold his peers close and wait for the storm to either pass or destroy them all.

    He spent the hours of the evening listening, to everyone. It took less time than it should have, but with so little survivors, it wasn't all that surprising. Long gone were the days where he would hide, avoid this cataclysm of rattling wings cutting through the air like a sharp blade at his throat. Now, he was one of the pillars of this nest, and if nothing else, then he must protect his own.

    He wandered around the whole building, slow but restless. He didn't speak much, as there wasn't anything to be said. Nobody needed to hear the mandatory words of condolence and comfort, because nobody believed in them. Instead, he simply listened; bandaged some wounds, either showing in blood or in teary eyes; shouldered the weight of fears and doubts and grieving of anyone who wanted to give it to him; shrouded shuddering hands with, if not hope, some kind of acknowledgement; gave away the remaining of his sleeping pills to those who needed it the most; filled papers that were not his to blacken, but the remaining Squad Leaders had to face the work Erwin used to do for them for the first time, and the number was far too big to be handled by so little pairs of hands.

    He helped put things back in order, not that any amount of cleaning and arranging could ever repair all that had been shattered, but the intention, he hoped, would be enough to at least console himself.

    Then, there was nothing left for him but an excruciating nausea and an inner void that had already swallowed what little comfort he'd managed to find. He stalled for time, unwilling to let go of that day, which, despite how devastating, shouldn't – couldn't – be only twenty four hours long. His bedroom was too big, his bed too soft, and his body too small, and he despised how much space he had, for the Walls were already cramped enough, and now, would become even more so. He yearned for a cage so tight that he would not be able to contract any muscle, not even fill his lungs.

    Erwin was the last person he wanted to see. He couldn't quite explain why, but maybe he only just realised the consequences of allowing himself to grow so selfish alongside him. And after such a day, there was nothing but guilt and disgust at himself, at Erwin, for all they had enjoyed despite the acknowledgement that it would come back to bite them, for all they had overlooked in their bliss, despite their duty. He couldn't bear it.

    Erwin was the last person he wanted to see, and this was probably exactly why he found himself sliding through the doors of his office, silent and agile as a thief. He leaned back against the doors, pushing them closed. He froze there, unable to explain to himself why he had come here in the first place. There was nothing he knew anymore, except for the acidity at the back of his mouth.

“Ah. Levi.” A breeze sharp as an icicle. “It's a good thing you're here. There are some important matters I needed to discuss with you.”

    Levi didn't reply, didn't move, didn't look.

“Tell me, how do you feel about your team? I know it only has been a handful of months since you've been appointed one, but is your teamwork improving? Are you comfortable with it yet? We both know it isn’t exactly your strong suit.” Cold, so cold.

    Levi felt like he might throw up again. He forced saliva thick as blood down his throat. Honestly, he deserved this. That was what he would get for granting himself the luxury of something tender when he should have been focusing his every moment to his duty. He would not – _could_ _not_ – allow it to happen again.

“I think you already know, considering how most of my team got wiped out today.” His voice didn't sound like his own.

“Yes, it did. Eld Gin is the only survivor, isn’t he?”

“If you already know the answers, why do you even ask?”

“You’re right. I do have the answers; it was you, who made the choice to sacrifice the entirety of your team today.”

    Levi's jaw clenched so hard he felt like his teeth were going to shatter.

“And thanks to that, you were able to save how little of us were left. It is because of your quick thinking that at least some of us are still alive today. So yes, Levi, I have my answer, it is that you know how to make the right decision.”

    Levi struggled to loosen his jaw enough to utter a reply.

“The right... Decision?” Low, trembling. “The right decision?” Clear and steady. “The right fucking decision?” Loud and full of wrath. “How can you call that the right decision? How? They're all dead, all fucking _dead_ , and for what? _Nothing_ , absolutely nothing.” He was in front of Erwin's desk now, fists tight and whole body trembling with rage. “How _fucking_ dare you?”

“I know how much you hate meaningless deaths, but-”

“Because you don't?”

“-but what you did today leading your team wasn't that. They died saving their comrades. It wasn't in vain.”

“Not in vain? Erwin, what the fuck? When was the last time the Survey Corps achieved anything, huh? Tell me, when was it?” He slammed his hands on the desk, sending a loud echo of hollow crashing sound through the whole room.

“ _Levi_.” Erwin's voice echoed even louder, cutting the air at the edge of Levi's lungs. “Don't you think I am not aware of this? Do you believe I agree with it? The only-”

“You sure seem like it, actually.”

“I would surely appreciate if you kept such comments for yourself, Levi.”

    He scoffed, eyebrows stretching up in astonishment.

“Is this how it's gonna be now? You're finally the Commander so you're gonna act like a fucking pretentious coward as well? What is it with you all?”

“No, Levi, that is not how it is going to be. I just...” Erwin looked like he was about to ask for mercy.

    Levi would have given him in a heartbeat, if only Erwin went through with it. He was aware of how unfair he was being, throwing his own frustration and guilt at Erwin, who actually was doing his best to remain sane. Much, much better than Levi.

    He should never have come here.

“You still haven't answered my questions, Levi.”

“You know I'll follow your command, so really, stop always asking me for what I want, and just give the orders already.”

“I have bigger plans for you. But I need to make sure that, when they happen, you'll be able to handle them.”

“Erwin- Give. The. Fucking. Orders.”

    Erwin sighed heavily, visibly irritated at Levi's lack of coherence.

“You're the Commander now, so start acting like one. You've been growing too soft, lately,” _and maybe it is my fault_ , “but you can't keep doing this anymore. You just can't. After everything that happened today, you don't have the choice.”

“Actually, I am not Commander yet.”

“Figures. You'll be tomorrow, so really, it doesn't change shit.”

“No, it does.”

“No, it doesn't. Either way, you're gonna need to get rid of everything that no longer serves you, starting with that fucking leniency of yours. You simply cannot be human anymore. Now or tomorrow, it doesn't change shit, because it'll be like this until the day you die.”

“No, Levi,” Erwin lowered his eyes. “It changes everything.”

    Levi clicked his tongue sharply, overly exasperated by Erwin's stubbornness. Until he suddenly realised that he and Erwin were having two very different conversations. He sucked in a breath, biting the inside of his cheeks.

    Erwin was right, one day _can_ change everything, and today was the blatant proof of it all. Because, until tomorrow, Erwin was still allowed to be human.

“Levi, I...” Erwin’s mask was cracking, at last.

    Erwin stood up and leaned over the desk. Levi watched him get closer and closer, and really, it was the last thing he wanted. He knew this would happen the moment he stepped inside the office. Erwin reached out, broad and soft palm at his cheek. Levi couldn't bear it the slightest, but he did nothing to dismiss it.

“I'm sorry Levi. I didn't mean to be so harsh on you. It's just- it's been one hell of a day and...”

    There was so much pain all over Erwin's face, voice, heart. Levi felt like it was seeping into him, too.

“I know.” Levi inhaled deeply through his nose. “I know. And I... Me neither. I know you’re just trying to keep it together.”

“Trying, yes.” The thumb at his cheek moved slightly, and Levi fluttered his eyelids until he caught Erwin’s eyes. “Truthfully, the only thing I've been thinking about all day is you.”

“Don't.” Levi hissed, eyes closing with desolation. “ _Fuck_ , Erwin, _don't_.”

    Erwin only leaned closer.

“Erwin, _please_ , don't. How, how can you be so selfish right now? People are dying left and right. Hell, it's the fucking apocalypse. You can't, you just can't do this.” His voice was starting to betray him. “Because if you do, that means...”

“Levi. That's exactly the reason why. Don't you understand? That's what people do. Because the world is so full of horrors and injustices we cannot begin to control, the only thing left to do is to keep it from eating us alive.”

“I...”

“And in spite of everything, I'm only human.”

“For the very last time...”

    If Levi had the resolution to never give in again, then it was a battle he had lost long before stepping on the battlefield. Another crushing defeat. What a fucked-up day.

“For the very last time. Tomorrow, I won't be allowed to anymore. So, for today...”

    Levi didn't let him the time to finish gathering the words of his plea. In one swift movement, he climbed over the desk, sliding forwards and sending papers all over the floor, before crashing onto Erwin. His arms landed hard around Erwin's neck, pulling him down forcefully, and he collided their lips together. It was messy, it hurt even, but not as much as everything else Levi had felt that day. No, this kind of pain was exactly what he needed right now.

    Erwin responded with the same eagerness, both so desperate it was risible. Levi couldn't quite grasp what was happening. Only that there were lips and hands and teeth everywhere, whether his or Erwin's, he couldn't tell the difference. The sharp edge of the desk dug painfully into his spine. Or was it Erwin gripping him that firmly? If he could only focus on his breathing, then maybe he could figure out what was going on. His body was giving out, and he believed the only reason he had not crumbled to the ground yet was because Erwin was holding him so tightly; the suffocating cage he had been yearning for all night.

    It wasn't long until he pushed Erwin back so they both collapsed onto the chair, Levi straddling Erwin with shuddering legs. Erwin pulled him closer, always closer, fingers bruising the dimples of his lower back, until every curve of their upper bodies filled one another. Levi's hands were all over Erwin's face, pressing, choking, scratching. He wasn't sure if they were kissing anymore or simply breathing each others pants, so erratic and shaky that their brains were too full of oxygen and everything was foggy.

    The world around them was bleeding, burning, _ending_ , and they were boldly daring the Erinyes, the infernal Goddesses, with a violence far greater. They exposed their battle scars, revealing how dangerous damaged mortals could  be, as fabric and leather fell down the ground dressed in ashes of destruction. Levi fell with them too, knees hitting the wooden floor harsly, hands parting Erwin's trousers open and mouth filling with all he could take. There was burnt iron and salt on his tongue, and he hated it. He hated it so much that he took even more.

    There was Erwin's voice saying words he couldn't hear, muffled by the wrath pulsating at his temples. Levi sucked in with more vehemence. There was a hand pulling at his hair, so forceful that he ended up having no choice but to snap his neck upwards with the most sinful suction sound. He looked up to Erwin, mouth open and dripping.

“Levi, please, stop.”

    He blinked once. Twice. Some clarity crawled back into his brain. He closed his mouth, raking the wetness at his lips behind his teeth.

“What? Am I really that bad at it?” his voice was low, dry, and oh so foreign in his ears.

    Erwin leaned down, eyes so warm they were consuming him.

“No, that's not it. It's just- I can't bear looking down on you like that.”

    Erwin's voice was much softer than Levi would have expected. Levi, however, wasn't even close to recover from his ordeal.

“Have you not noticed our height difference or what? You're _always_ looking down on me.” His knees gave out, and he fell down his heels, sinking even further into the ground with an unwanted irony.

“You know this is not what I meant. I hate seeing you on your knees before me.”

“Erwin. I am under you, under your command, what else do you expect really? Of course I'll kneel before you.”

    Erwin quickly tucked himself back inside his trousers, and his fingers seized Levi's cheeks, excruciating, pressing white digit prints against the soft skin of his jawline.

“ _Levi._ When are you going to stop this?” his voice struck so jarringly that Levi jerked back. It only made Erwin narrow the grip at his face.

    He breathed in with struggle, Erwin’s fingers digging craters at his jaw. He looked, eyes blown out, at Erwin who seemed like he was about to unleash all Hells. Levi shouldn’t have been so concerned about the divine’s schemes, for Erwin was no mortal, and the evil inside him had the potential for far more damage. Levi was terrified of him right now, his frail bones and teeth at the mercy of such a Herculean hand, he could almost taste blood at the back of his tongue. This terror comforted him in ways he couldn’t explain. Perhaps he was tired of having to be the strongest around. Humanity's Strongest, but not even close to being as strong as the God of destruction that towered over him.

    Erwin was the only one he'd ever allow to approach him, to tame him, to break him.

“When you order me so,” he muttered, teeth forcibly gritted by Erwin’s hold.

    Not that Erwin would ever allow it to happen.

“No.” The pressure at Levi’s skull disappeared at once. “No, that won't do. I cannot sanction that, I simply cannot.” Erwin sounded tender again, even if his voice was full of anguish and sheer hurt. “It's just... Stop fighting, Levi. I know this is the thing you want most at this moment, but... You simply can't be fighting right now.”

    Levi chewed on air, his bruised jaw popping in his ears.

“Then what else am I supposed to do- are _we_ supposed to do? We're soldiers, we fight, that's what we do.”

“But you were fighting long before becoming a soldier.”

    Levi scorned.

“Don’t you dare go there. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You don’t know what it’s like to live in that dumpster, so yeah, of course I was-”

“No, Levi. Stop fighting against yourself.”

“I…”

    Levi leaned back. Erwin’s words reverberated through his core like the evidence he’d never allowed himself to see, even if it had always been there, in plain view. It was so obvious, how had he missed this? Yes, he’s been fighting, his whole life, and there never had been anything else. Never, until Erwin stormed in his life and ravaged through everything he believed in, through everything he’s built, through everything he ever thought he was. Erwin only made him fight more, but this time, for a selfless cause. Erwin had offered him everything on a silver platter, and Levi had been too blinded by his own war to see it.

    The least he could do, was to give this back to Erwin, even if it would be the last and only time.

    Levi got up to his feet, slow but steady. He’d gained all control back over his body, at last. The fog at his brain was gone, the thunder of his heart tuned down to a soft lullaby. Everything was calm. Not fine, not righteous, but at least, calm. He had been so keen to hear the cries of dying people and the rumble of destruction from so far away, that he had not yet realised how restful everything actually was.

    He took Erwin’s hand in his, and lead him to the only place where nothing mattered but themselves. He opened the door to Erwin’s bedroom, as cluttered and dusty as it always was. Not that Levi ever minded. He lit up the candles on the nightstand, filling the room with a warm glow, turning time backwards, as if it was dusk all over again. He walked to the unmade bed, pushed the books that were sitting in the middle of it, and gently guided Erwin down until he was sitting, back against the headboard. With the same silence, the same meekness, Levi climbed on top of the mattress and sat on Erwin’s lap, careful not to sink down too low, so maybe they could pretend to be on a perfectly balanced level.

    His forehead rested against Erwin's, and his hands encircled his face. Delicate in intention, but perhaps there was still too much strength in his fingers, and perhaps they dug a bit too deep into the flesh. You don’t break habits so easily.

    And, quite honestly, there was still nothing in Levi’s heart but an overwhelming sense of distress and despair. He knew what he must do. He didn’t want it. Erwin probably didn’t want it either. And as much as he’d crave for this very moment to become their reality, it never could.

“You know that this is the last time, right?” His voice was raspy, barely coming out.

“I do.” Erwin’s words were much steadier than his.

    Levi cleared his throat, hoping to finally stop sounding like such a stranger.

“You know that after this, you can’t ever be this soft, this indulgent?”

“I do.”

“You know that, from now on, you can only fill your heart and soul with the fate of Humanity, and nothing else?”

“Yes.”

“And that nothing, and I mean, _nothing_ , can ever get in the way of this. Not your emotions, not your fears, not your fucking self-depreciation, or whatever good nature or silly dreams you think are yours.”

“I know this.”

“And especially not me.”

    Erwin swallowed, and his answer came a bit delayed.

“Yes, I know.” But his tone was as determined and clear as before, if not more.

“You know that tomorrow, this will all be over? That tomorrow, you simply cannot be human anymore?”

    Every single word hurt so much.

“I do.”

    Levi breathed out shakily, and the air bounced back colder on Erwin’s lips.

“You know that _this_ was a mistake to begin with?” Levi wanted nothing but to scream, to hurt, to seize Erwin’s face and smash it on the wall behind them.

    Instead, he simply grazed one thumb, light, against Erwin’s salient cheekbone.

“Yes, Levi. I do know that.”

    Levi nodded slowly and closed his eyes. He finally allowed himself to succumb to the lips that were so close to his, pressing with an almost feather-like touch. The taste of iron and ashes still lingered between them, but it was not as prickling as before. No, right now, it tasted more so of rain. Their lips moved against one another, languid, barely grazing, and lacking harmony. There only had been so few times for them to start building a rhythm. Barely a handful, and Levi blamed himself for not treating each with more diligence. And now, it was already the last. The very last.

    Levi drew back, only enough for their lips to stop ghosting.

“Then at least, let me give you what you want. Erwin, tell me. Tell me everything it is you want.”

    Erwin’s hands, that so far had been resting heavily at his sides, slithered to Levi’s knees, thighs, hips, and rested possessively at each side of his waist. He caught Levi’s eyes with his, with such intensity that Levi couldn't tear away from his gaze even if he wanted.

“I only want you, Levi. I want nothing else but everything you have to give me.”

    Levi’s heart was knotted so tightly that he wasn’t sure how it was still rushing blood through his arteries. He sat back, only for a moment, taking in the sight of Erwin unadorned before him, maybe for the last time, and leaned in again, sealing Erwin’s demands between their lips.

    Levi gave. He gave everything; everything he had, everything that made him, everything he didn’t even know he had. He gave it all.

    He gave his bareness, by letting the remaining of his shell fall down his hips, thighs, ankles, and letting his milky paleness glow openly before the dancing flames.

    He gave his weapons, turning blood and gouged iron into soft digits against skin, smearing it rusty red and raw.

    He gave his regrets, letting them flow into Erwin's mouth, saliva thick and sour.

    He gave his open wounds that Erwin licked clean, tongue so ardent that they became cauterised scars.

    He gave his tenderness, perched at the extremities of his body, grazing, nibbling, caressing, until every cell of Erwin's body was covered in it.

    He gave his rage with bold teeth around salient bones, and turned it into thunder in Erwin's vocal cords.

    He gave his anguish, letting it settle at the tip of his tongue, travelling on skin that was smooth, then scaly, then ticklish, then sultry, salty and full of heat.

    He gave his strength, pressing bruises inside the delicate plump of Erwin's inner thighs and the thin skin of his hip bones.

    He gave his emotions by showing Erwin how much hues his cheeks, chest, hands and eyes could carry, and nothing was grey or dull anymore.

    He gave his trust, sitting back down and guiding Erwin inside of him with a burning pain; that was how his trust always felt.

    He gave his devotion, striving to build a rhythm in the sway of his hips, tearing low sounds that came from both their lungs at once.

    He gave his body whole, aching red and exposed, un-hidden arousal made of twitching blood and scorched flesh.

    He gave up his control, so well guarded, lips bitten and moans whistling in between, erratic in breath and in the shuddering of his worn out thighs.

    He gave his redemption, letting Erwin thrust deep inside him, ravaging avidly with a pain that at least made enough sense for Levi to allow it; to cherish it.

    He gave his heart, bare, and offered it with steady hands, because Erwin was the only one he ever offered his heart to.

    He gave up his pleasure by taking Erwin's, whole and heated, breathless and viscous.

    He gave Erwin everything. It was not a selfless act, it was mortifying and humiliating. It was not virtuous, it was because Erwin kept asking for more and more and more; forever insatiable and swallowing Levi whole like he'd seen Titans do countless times before. This was something he would always fight against; and he was fighting still.

    Levi sat back up, pulling Erwin out of himself, gaze on him. His blue eyes were like steel on an open fire, clouded with thick white smoke. Levi was still flushed carmin, swollen and desperate for touch, but he was so ashamed to take any more from Erwin that he let it go. He leaned forwards, his mouth open and heaving, heading for its twin. They breathed in each other’s blasphemy and sadness, hoping that their lungs could turn them into something beautiful instead. Hopes were all they got out of it.

    And so, Levi wished that it would be enough. That, at last, Erwin would be sated with everything he fed him, with his whole self. Levi was certain there was nothing of himself that wasn't Erwin's now.

    He was wrong.

    Erwin was not done taking. Erwin wanted more, always more, and Levi would have been scared had he not already given his fears away.

    He felt the firm grip of Erwin's fingers at his hips, toppling him, and Levi fell on his back, obedient. Erwin was already towering him, imposing and hungry.

He thought that he'd given Erwin everything, but Erwin took the one thing Levi couldn't give him: time. Erwin stole it shamelessly from the world, turning seconds into years, years into eternity. Erwin took so much time that Levi couldn’t explain why the sun wasn't already rising to bathe their bare bodies in gold and expose their foolishness to plain light. It had been the longest day of the world already, but Levi hoped that it'd never end, and that the rest of his life would be filled with nothing but Erwin's weight and heat all over his body and soul.

    Erwin was making time his own, and giving it to Levi like a sacred gift. He didn’t know how such a thing was even possible. A pact with the Devil, that's what it was.

    There were fingers painting red trails all over his skin, caving inside each curve, each dimple; there were fingers at the warmest, most sensitive points of his body; there were fingers inside him, and all he could do was gasp and writhe and whimper. There was a mouth around him, then on his inner thighs, then on his stomach, then everywhere and Levi lost the way of his own body. There was no hope left for him to follow what was happening, his brain had already had too much to process today, and all he knew was Erwin felt as overwhelming as everything else. There was nothing left of Levi but a squirming mess of heat and sweat and sounds he couldn't try to suppress no longer.

    And every time Levi thought the end was near, Erwin pushed it even further away, denying his muscles the rest they were begging for, denying his body the release that was at the precipice of recoil. Levi was exhausted, absolutely exhausted; his bones turning into mush and pain all over, in an endless battle of flesh against heart. But Levi was fighting still, unwilling to allow his own body to betray him into defeat, and he fought against his own drowsiness and over-sensitivity, thrashing, gasping, crying.

 _Please, let this end. Please, let this_ never _end._

    He thought he'd given Erwin everything; oh so wrong he had been. There was Erwin's request that kept ringing in his ears, barely heard over his own outcries for mercy; the only request Levi hadn't granted him in a heartbeat. _Stop fighting_. Levi got it now. Erwin wouldn't allow this day to end until Levi surrendered. Perhaps, losing to Erwin wouldn't be so bad, after all. _Stop fighting against yourself._ Levi got it now.

    And so, he let go of everything, and for the first time, he also let go of his inner bloodshed. He stopped fighting, at last, and gave away all of his battles. Only then did Erwin seem full enough to allow it to cease. And Levi crashed, hard, and he felt the impact in every nerve of his body. He let go, entirely, of everything, releasing himself of all that held him captive.

    Levi fell deep into the mattress, sheets and body drenched with sweat. Heavy, so heavy. Erwin had everything that Levi was at the grasp of his hands and the heat of his mouth, and Levi was nothing but a hollow shell, empty, of everything he once held. A dead weight.

    He wished he had more to give Erwin.

    Erwin fell on top of him. Golden hair was brushing against the soft flesh of his stomach, warm breath cooling the pool of viscosity there. It was gross, truly, but Levi's mind was miles away from it. The only thing keeping him from floating away was a hand that tangled weakly in Erwin's hair, and his other that slid to Erwin's fingers, tying with them seamlessly, like they had been carved from the same marble.

“Thank you.” A low whisper. For a moment, Levi believed he was the one who said it.

    And, with those two words, it was over. The day was over. But they were not quite ready to let it go, and so, they stayed like this, merged into one another, silent and still, until they brains were too full of soon to be memories to store any more.

    Maybe it was time to face reality again. Levi squeezed Erwin's hand in his. He propped himself up on his elbows with hindrance, his limbs held down by a strong reluctance. And also, by the weight of Erwin crumbled on his abdomen, who pressed down heavier as soon as Levi started moving.

“Stay.”

    Levi barely managed to steady his burnt muscles enough to carry himself on his elbows. He sighed.

“I won’t. You know I won’t.”

    Levi never stayed.

    Erwin's head moved against his stomach, hair gliding ticklish on his milky skin. Erwin raised his head, ever so slightly, just enough to look up to Levi. And Levi could only freeze at the sight; Erwin's face smooth and painted with such vibrant colours; of his own blood, of the sun, and of respite. Levi couldn't remember ever seeing him so candid, so young, so beautiful. Before he could fully engrave the image into another memory, the shadow of a furrow casted on Erwin's glistening forehead.

    Levi closed his eyes for a second too long, for when he opened them again, Erwin's face was veiled with ghosts, and his tone dulled back to its usual greyish hue. Levi forced his saliva down against the lump of his throat. He pushed on his arms until he was sitting up, leaving no choice to Erwin but to slide dreary next to him. Levi sat at the edge of the bed, eyes away from Erwin. He curled and uncurled his toes, barely touching the cold floorboards, his body aching all over.

    He stood up, and Erwin didn't try to catch him. Erwin didn't say a word, didn't move an inch, head buried in the sheets, one eye barely peeping through towards Levi behind a curtain of gold.

    Levi leaned down to pick their clothing from the floor, folding them carefully, and set them on top of a rounded coffee table, in between unsteady towers of books and burnt up candles. He let his hands glaze on the leather binding of a heavy book, catching a thin layer of gossamer dust beneath his fingertips. His eyes travelled down, up, left and right, only to meet more piles of books, clutter and dust. Levi sighed. His heart was swelling in his chest, at how much he would miss this chaos after tomorrow; when he would no longer have a reason to set foot in the only room he never dared to disturb with his frantic cleaning needs. Levi loved it just the way it was. Lived in. Personal. Carefree. Messy. Full of poetry and other crap that Erwin read. There was nothing between these four narrow walls to remind them that their world was a shattered cage of war and blood. It was the safest place on Earth.

    With the same passiveness, Levi walked around the room, and he sensed Erwin’s eyes on him, intense and bewildered. He let his hands fall upon everything they could reach, light, and leaving trails of dusty prints behind. He stopped before a chiffonier that he opened without discretion. He kneeled down and reached inside, closing his fingers around a soft towel. He turned around, facing the bed again. Erwin was laying down on his stomach still, but his eyes had followed Levi throughout his whole scrutiny. He set his own eyes on Erwin's, sending him the same unreadable expression he bore.

    Levi unfolded the white towel and wiped the sticky pearly white at his stomach thoroughly. Erwin watched, eyes impossible to read still. Levi let out a short breath, light, amused even, and walked the few steps to the bed. He turned Erwin around so he would lay on his back and straddled him with feline movements. He began washing away the sweat and come from Erwin.

    Those short moments of calm and care had probably been Levi's most treasured ones; when after their cathartic surrender to one another, he would quietly tend to Erwin, make him shiny and new again, and never had his hands been so gentle than then. Erwin always let him do as he pleased, and always submitted to the touch. Levi would call this a ritual, if only it had happened enough times to actually fall into a habit; he was pretty sure that a handful of moments of intimacy were not enough to make one.

    Once he finished drying each panel of flesh on Erwin's legs and torso, he ran the towel up to his face, and enclosed his fingers around a few of Erwin's strands of hair.

“You even got some in your damn hair, that's so gross.” The words were there but the tone wasn't.

    Erwin simply hummed in response, closing his eyes and melting against Levi's hand. He let go of the towel, discarding it somewhere on the floor, and ran his fingers across Erwin's cheeks, nose, mouth. He leaned down and kissed him on the lips, a short caress, before drawing back. He swung his legs to the side and dropped down the mattress, next to Erwin, facing him. Erwin finally opened his eyes again, and turned his head to Levi, first painted in disbelief, then relief. He moved to lay on his side, arm reaching out to wrap around Levi's shoulder.

“Keep your sweaty body away from me,” Levi muttered, once again, without meaning.

    Erwin hummed again and pulled Levi closer to him, until their chests were sticking to one another. Levi smiled, and allowed his face to rest against Erwin's collarbones, nuzzling their outlines, and taking in the musky scent, making an effort to imprint every nuance of it in the rocky roads of his brain.

    It didn't take long for Erwin's breath to steady and deepen. Levi couldn't blame him for falling asleep so easily, despite everything. It had been the longest day of the world, after all. The reality of it had yet to fully sink in Levi's mind, but the knots at his stomach and the heaviness of his heart were enough to remind him that everything was wretched. He knew he wouldn't be able to find sleep tonight.

    After a while, when Erwin wasn't enough to keep him warm, Levi uncurled himself from the tangle of arms and legs, and sat up. He reached for the ball of blanket at the edge of the bed and pulled it to cover his and Erwin's naked bodies. Then, he leaned over Erwin, blowing out the candles on the nightstand, and sat back against the headboard, snuggling the blanket up to his chin, almost burying Erwin's head underneath. Erwin twitched in his sleep, and shifted until his face was resting right against Levi’s flank.

    Levi waited for his tired eyes to adjust to the darkness and rested them on Erwin, his silhouette barely standing out against the darkness of the room. The sky was clouded tonight, and the moon, nowhere to be seen. He allowed one hand to glide up Erwin's spine and burrow into his golden hair. He curled and uncurled it around his fingers, combed it back into place, and ruffled it again. He did it for what felt like hours. Perhaps it was only a few minutes. He couldn't tell; time had never seemed more awry than on this very day.

    Levi tried not to think that this would be the last time he got to enjoy the silk of Erwin's hair in his hands, the warmth of his breath on his bare skin, the quiet he offered him on such nights. He tried not to think that after this, there would never any more excuse to cede to serenity and tenderness. He tried not to think that, in a few hours, Erwin would finally get the crown he deserved. The crown Levi had wanted him to wear fiercely for so long now. The crown he knew his heart wanted to tear away from Erwin's grasp. A selfish urge that he would never allow himself to succumb to.

    He tried not to see the names of all his fallen comrades today, and the list was so long that he was amazed at how flawlessly it recited in his head. He tried not to hear all the people who had lived through terror, south of here, all the ones who perished, defenceless, to the rotten teeth of ugly Titans. He tried not to think, of how unfair he had been, to allow Erwin to break through him, to pick up whatever was left of his heart and to try to hold it together, when the man should have been focusing his energy to his duty instead. He tried not to be overwhelmed by how much he yearned for a reality away from the war - that just truly began, where he could adore Erwin whole, without any redemption, regret or sense of wrong.

    He tried not to think about the overbearing nausea that rose in his guts once more. He didn't succeed. And the next minute, he was out of Erwin's quarters, dressed hastily, leaning against the doorway to the Officers quarters, bent over the still grass and throwing up nothing but bile and acid.

    In the end, it was true that Levi _never_ stayed.

    What a _fucking_ fucked-up day.

\- - -

    There is something almost beautiful in human persistence. Almost. But also, quite comical in the way they keep wriggling and struggling when trapped in that cobweb of fate; a desperate will to survive that never shines brightest than in such moments.

    Everything had happened almost too fast. Almost. Maria had not fallen for more than a day that the whole world had already been set to work. At least, the world of the Survey Corps.

    Day 1: Erwin had been given his invisible crown. It was succinct and uneventful. He left the ceremony awfully similar to how he was before; not a single distinctive mark to show his new title. The manhunt for Shadis could wait, there was no need to recover a trinquet as garish as a gold and green accessory. Nobody needed it to recognise Erwin as the new Queen of the anthill. There had been no necessity for anything but orders to follow and work to do. The tasks had been clear, brief, and organised to the most efficient: Erwin’s design. It was the best way to prevent chaos from shattering the foundations. Levi knew it; keeping busy worked better than any form of self-reflection and thinking. Erwin knew it too. They were all just wingless workers operating together for the Queen’s offspring. By dusk, all the plans had been laid out, and ready to be carried out. Methodical and solemn; just the way it had to be.

    Day 2: Sculpting a new order in the whole fortress. Rearranging. Chasing the old habits and the old ghosts away. Cleansing. A task Levi knew how to carry out with closed eyes, and so, Erwin put him in charge of it, while he and the other Officers, already picked out and ready for duty, had been out to bow and beg to greater authorities.

    Day 3 to 6: An odyssey around the world. More bowing. More begging. More forced smiles. More politics. And repeat. Levi could not avoid it this time; he was the Survey Corps’ best argument, and for the first time, Erwin had not apologised to him for whoring him out and showing him off in a grotesque parade to whoever had eyes enough to watch. And repeat.

    Day 7 to 9: Training. Study of the long distance scouting formation. More training. More studying. A complete and utter exhaustion of mind and body. In time like these, it was received as a gift.

    Day 10: The funds started to come in. It had been hoped for, expected even, that what the sum would exceed everything they had received before, but when the fear tainted gold flowed in an endless stream, there had been just a short time allowed for relief.

    Day 11: Equipment check. Arrival of the first wave of new recruits; from the training Corps, from the Garrison, and the Military Police even. Never had the Survey Corps been so appealing. Reinforcement of the Administrative Office. Development of the research department. Hange cheering too loudly, as usual.

    Day 12 to 17: Intense training. Teaching the new brats the ways of the Survey Corps. Falls. Cuts. Strained muscles. Broken bones. Getting back on their feets and starting over. And over. Levi was supervising, and Erwin had insisted he ought to keep an eye open and assert each soldier’s strength and skills. Levi simply obeyed and didn’t ask for the ulterior motive behind this. Erwin was always too many steps ahead, he probably wouldn’t have been able to follow if he did ask.

    Day 18: Erwin summoned Levi in his office after morning training, and revealed his plans. He told him of a new type of team, that Levi would shape and lead: the Special Operation Squad. Levi didn’t argue and simply accepted the order. He would also be promoted Captain, and for a moment, he wondered what that meant. There were no Captains in the Survey Corps; they did not have the privilege of so many ranks, for people died too quickly to climb the ladder at a normal pace. But if Erwin wanted Levi to be the Survey Corps’ first and only Captain, then Levi would, once again, accept the order with his fist slammed against his heart.

    When night came, Levi sat at the sturdy chair in his room for hours, tea cold, and watched the moon advance through the small window. Night was the only time when Levi’s mind caught up to him, unwelcome, but persistent enough to break through the barriers he spent the days building. He had taken the habit of filling the breach with Erwin’s presence, but this wouldn’t - couldn’t - happen anymore. Because, despite the thousands of reasons why he knew that leaving their heart and warmth aside had been the right decision to make, Levi missed it. He missed it tremendously. He was cold and lonely again, every night.

    Day 19: Training had been clement and shorter, and the afternoon, dedicated to rest and maintenance. Levi stepped into Erwin’s office for his daily report. He noticed it instantly: the deep teal and gold tied around Erwin’s neck. His crown, at last. It suited him the same way sheer sunlight through stained glass suited the Goddesses. Levi reminded himself that he ought to rid his mind of such foolish thoughts. He let Erwin know that Eld Gin was the first member he would appoint to his new Squad. The rest would be picked after the new ants would have proven themselves outside the fortress. A brief exchange of words, and Levi waited for Erwin to dismiss him. Erwin never did. Levi was about to leave nonetheless, until he noticed the sparkle in Erwin’s eye shine warm. He had been sporting cold blue fiercely for weeks, and Levi could only stop at the sight. It could be dangerous.

    His eyes, once again, rested on Erwin’s neck. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“It seems like everybody had forgotten about this,” Erwin’s voice was low and warm, and Levi had already forgotten how soothing it was. “I had too honestly. It was quite the surprise that it got delivered to me this morning.”

“You deserve it.”

    Erwin lowered his gaze and his digits fidgeted with the cords of his bolo tie for a moment.

“Is it Shadis’?”

“Yes. He submitted himself to the Military Headquarters only a couple of days after the fall of Maria, but I suppose that, with everything that was happening, there had been no time to consecrate to something as idle as a piece of gemstone.”

    Levi knew it; there was a reason why he had been so itchy from the moment he’d seen it around Erwin’s neck.

“Give it to me,” it would be an order if Levi didn’t know his rightful place.

    Erwin cocked an eyebrow.

“It’s still bearing Shadis’ stench and filth, I can smell it from here. Give it to me.”

    Erwin smiled softly, his eyes bright with fondness and sunlight. Levi’s heart started. Erwin pulled at the cords and let the tie slide over his head, then handing it out to Levi. He clicked his tongue and seized it from Erwin before storming out of the room.

    He came back in almost an hour later, bolo tie blinding and hands smelling like every cleaning product he owned. It seemed like Erwin had been doing nothing but waiting for his return. Levi walked to him, contouring the desk and stopping in front of him. His hands halted for a moment. It could be dangerous.

    But Erwin gave him the smallest inadvertent nod, and that was enough for Levi to reach out, threading the cord around Erwin’s head - _like a crown_ , face, neck, and down to his collarbones. He tucked it beneath the collar of Erwin’s white shirt, careful and meticulous. Then, he pulled at the cords swiftly, ensuring that they sat perfectly equal on either side of the green stone. He knew Erwin was attentive, and he was close enough to feel the tremble in his breathing. Levi bit the inside of his cheeks. He ought to withdraw now. _It could be dangerous_. He didn’t.

    Should Levi have allowed his fingers to linger around Erwin’s neck, to slither down his shirt, and to flatten each crease of the fabric so delicately? Probably not. Should he have looked up to Erwin, only to find the same blue fondness that always made his heart tighten? Probably not. Should he have brought one hand up to rearrange a few stray golden hair strands? Probably not. Should they have been kissing, hands all over each other at the very next moment, unable to say who leaned in first? _Definitely_ not.

    But honestly? Fuck it.


End file.
